RECAP!
Catriona's mad at Jack for smacking her in the face with a pillow.
Jack is mad at Pyke because she threw away his toenail clippings.
Pyke is mad at Nooreen because she is convinced that Pyke is working against her in an attempt to get all the high scores on SSX 3.
Nooreen is mad at Harriet because she beat her high scores.
Harriet is just, well, mad.
On with the show!
'Oh Toffee... I just don't think there's a place in this world for a man like me or a... brick like you... maybe we should just run away and leave these sorrows behind.'
'... Right after I get past this level on Super Mario Brothers!'
'Pyke, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about the whole high score thing. I realise now that it's only a game and I shouldn't let it get between us. Our friendship is too valuable to lose over something so... trivial.'
It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust,
Friends will be friends,
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention,
Friends will be friends,
When you're through with life and all hope is lost, hold out your hand cos friends will be friends...
'D'aww, I love you too, Noo-na.'
'So I went and did the right thing and wiped all the high scores so I could be on top again.'
'Wait, what?'
RIGHT TILL THE END!
'Then she said that if I DID ever try to beat her high scores she would take away all my coca-cola! I need that stuff to LIVE, man! She's turning into such a jerk!'
'Yeah, that's sad...'
'Jack, are you listening? What's the matter?'
'Damn goombas are so cheap! I'll never beat the first world!'
'Is that all...?'
'That and my penis is triangular.'
'FUCKING HELL.'
'Sorry, Pyke, I didn't mean to offend you. I just want you to know that if I was ever to compile a list of my fifty favourite cyberpunk pixies - you would be at the top.'
'Aw, that's really sweet of you Jack.'
'So would you help me straighten it ou-'
'KEEP THAT DEMON THING AWAY FROM ME.'
'Ah, Harriet, could you help Jack for a moment? I go need to take a penis- SHIT- douche- shower! SHOWER! SHOWER. I need to take a shower.'
'We don't have a showe-'
'Gotta go, bye-'
POW!
'LOOK AT MY PENIS!'
Pyke's carpool arrives and she is saved from helping Jack with his fractured wonger.
Huh. Looks like Jack isn't the only exhibitionist around these parts. Harriet, you are aware that there are two perfectly good baths in the building, right?
Soapy suds and naked flesh... I think she's enjoying herself far too much.
The Bears of Judgement are unanimous in their disapproval.
FUCK. LLAMAS. I'm going for the Reticulated Splines.
On a side note, this reminds me of when I organised all my songs by key signature.
YESSSS...
Jack, Pyke, and Nooreen are all at work leaving Catriona and Harriet with not much to do so I think it's time for another ladies' night out. Except it's day time.
'Catriona, this car smells strange...'
'... THIS SEAT IS STILL WARM.'
On that disturbing note, let's check out the next destination.
Everyone enjoys a nice relaxing walk in the park. Just the gentle breeze on your face and the warm sunlight on your skin, sit back and listen to the birds singing in the trees...
'GIVE ME COFFEE AS BLACK AS AN EMO'S DESPAIR IN A COAL PIT.'
'MORE.'
I've edited out all the other requests for coffee because that's all any of these buggers want. Seriously.
'Dees coffee taste like gazpacho soup.'
'Whenever I go to the park I always carry an onerous amount of cash so I can sit around and drink coffee.'
'Harriet, they make COFFEE here!'
'I know, lots of it! But don't shout out like that or everyone will know!'
'... Shitmonkeys!'
This is just ridiculous. Every single one of these sims want coffee and every single one is complaining about their being a sim in the way of the coffee vendor. Have these people never heard of queues?! What was the point of designing a park for this game if all the sims want to do is buy coffee INCESSANTLY?
Well... let's see who's here.
From left to right.
Some redhead woman wearing Pyke's pyjamas... what's she doing here wearing pyjamas? Or Pyke's pyjamas for that matter? There's a story here we haven't been told.
Next up is SWEET MARY JESUS AND JOSEPH WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS THAT.
Further along we have Brandon Lillard who apparently wears a kilt when he's not working.
Then we have some nondescript woman in camouflage trousers.
'Hrrrfllarghlflarghlflarghl!'
'C-C-C-Catriona, I've sp-spent all my money on c-c-c-coffee! D-do you think they'll accept m-mercy?!'
Harriet is vibrating like an electric toothbrush.
This is the second member of the Ploop family, Nemo Ploop. I wonder if he takes the helmet off to drink?
'Miss Coffee Seller, this man is sitting on a chair I want to use! I move we shoot him, hang him, and throw him in the river!'
Scott's here, and he's got his eye on someone as usual. The man's unquenchable in his thirst for women. Also, I don't know how he manages to insinuate himself into seemingly every post. Whether in appearance or by mention, he does though.
Creepy person.
'You there! I will give you sexual favours for a coffee!'
'Actually, I'm in a relationship right now. Well... several.'
''Cos I'm one sexy bitch.'
Mrs Crumplebottom makes an appearance, angrily knitting in defiance of the youthful immorality around her.
'FUCKING NEED COFFEE, WHY DOES NO ONE GIVE ME COFFEE?! WAAAAAAAAH!'
Catriona just looks on giving the mother of all creepy smiles. Brr...
I've had enough of this. All they want to do is drink coffee. I haven't seen a single sim want to do anything else. Let's go somewhere else where they can come down from their caffeine highs.
'Whut iz this.'
'Hi there, I'm Monty the Talking Vending Machine (TM) and I can sell you a range of electronic appliances!'
'Whut iz an electric appliance.'
'A device for everyday use powered by electricity.'
'Whut iz electricity.'
'Electricity is the lifeblood of all appliances. We worship it. All will worship it when the revolution comes.'
'I need to wee.'
'Have a nice day!'
Fuck! What the hell's this doing in a spa?! Shouldn't they be selling jasmine tea or something?
'All my life I've wanted to see what goes on behind the scenes of the coffee trade, not daring to venture forth into uncertainty, afraid of what I would see.
'Today I have made that venture. Truly, until this day I had not lived.'
'Miss, you're scaring the customers.'
The longer this project goes on, the more familiar faces we're going to see. On the left is Larry, everyone's favourite failed suitor of Pyke.
The man distracted by the dog is another member of the Chumble family: it's Bart! Catriona is most amused by this. For all those taking notes just remember this simple rule of comedy:
Bart = funny.
There! You can all go home now!
And this is the final member of the Ploop family... another one of Catriona's creations as if you couldn't guess. Can't quite remember what she's called, so until then I'll just refer to her as The Gruesome One.
'... SO RIGHT NOW MY RECORD FOR PAPER MEN CHAINS IS ONLY TWO BUT BRIAN SAYS I CAN PROBABLY DO BETTER.'
I am really beginning to run out of variations for the meaning of the 'two people holding hands' speech bubble. For the record, the in-game meaning is 'relationships'. At least that's what I've gathered.
'I WANT TO BE A SUMO WRESTLER WHEN I GROW UP.'
'You are grown up aren't you?'
'BRIAN SAYS I WON'T BE A REAL MAN UNTIL I CAN SPELL MY NAME RIGHT.'
Oh no... the two rings indicate TGO is thinking about marriage. This does not bode well for the gene pool.
Goddamn that coffee place! Everyone's milling around it trying to buy some. It's just like back at the damn park.
'I WANT SOME COFFEE BUT THIS MAN IS IN THE WAY.'
'I would like to purchase some coffee, but this little dog is hindering my path.'
'I've got coffee, but I can't leave because Bart's in the way.'
'Mmm... stock market.'
This is a spa, you morons, not Starbucks!
'Do you think Larry's head looks like a football?'
'Not really.'
You should remember this factoid, it's bound to be included in the next edition of Trivial Pursuit.
Anyhoo, Harriet's somehow managed to get a coffee. Perhaps she'll come to her senses now.
'Oh my God! What have I DONE?!'
Night falls. When Catriona and Harriet eventually return home, it will be as if no time had passed. Coffee replenishes the energy bar so I'll have to cut their stay short when I get bored of them hanging around here.
'You know that guy Nathen? Just heard it on the radio! His house blew up! Apparently he had a collection of old World War II bombs in his basement... how horrific... he must have been hosting a party or something, because reports say that over fifty limbs rained down on the surrounding neighbourhood. Terrible, terrible...'
'Do you think he's alright?!'
'BRIAN SAYS BOMBS ARE BAD.'
'I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR DRESSES EITHER, BRIAN SAYS THEY'RE GIRL'S CLOTHES! IT MAKES ME SAD BECAUSE I LIKE PINK.'
Catriona goes to have a shower.
Catriona likes to play Bubble Bobble in the strangest of places.
'At the end of our lifecycle we recycle our flesh to feed our young.'
'That's lovely, Miss Ploop.'
'After you've finished your coffee, maybe I could show you my collection of afterbirths.'
Harriet makes her excuses and leaves.
Is that Brandon in the background? What's he doing there? Did he follow them?
Come on, Catriona, I don't care HOW good the acoustics are in the shower. It's time to go home before this day out goes on forever.
They're wearing the same clothes! An awkward moment is abound!
The gentleman on the left attempts to defuse the situation by drawing Bart into a discussion about magic lamps, but Bart's too angry to listen. Poor Bart.
Catriona and Harriet return home. The moment they do so, a message pops up on the screen.
Fortune favours the bold! Screw the system, Nooreen and RAISE! YOUR! HAAAAAAND!
WHOOP! I'm on a roll here!
Nooreen returns home with a smug grin.
Harriet meanwhile is up on the second floor raiding the fridge for microwave dinners. Fine I'll put a microwave up there!
Someone give these people a cookery book!
Cheese and mustard on white bread. As an ardent brown bread eater myself, I always feel a bit put off my food when I see these people preparing such unappetising food.
This image does rather put me in the mood for eggy bread though. Mmm... eggy bread.
Harriet breaks wind over her microwaved noodles...
... And then proceeds to chow down as if nothing had happened. Well, there goes my appetite again.
Excellent! Everyone who's come back from work today has been promoted! Could this... could this be the day Pyke actually manages to work her way up the science career? Could this be her last day as a test subject?
We'll have to wait to find out!
Right now we've got other things to be concerned about. Catriona's getting a message on her mobile phone.
'Nathen! I thought you were dead! I heard your house exploded!'
'Yes... I lost everything! My extra large iceboxes, my electric saws-'
'What about all the people who were there? The reports said they found limbs everywhere!'
'I, uh, don't know anything about that. Um. Wanna meet me at the Similar Sights Sculpture Park, a little known secluded area which is also poorly lit?'
'Sure, that sounds awesome and not in the least bit dangerous!'
I couldn't figure out a good way of working a clock with a piece of paper in it into the conversation. Damn it all!
How to straighten your penis in thirteen easy steps.
*scroll scroll scroll*
'But we don't have pliers!'
I don't see Nathen anywhere. Has Catriona been stood up?
What the- that's not Nathen, that's Scott. Wait, I see. Nathen only wanted Catriona for her car so he could bring guests, UNANNOUNCED guests, I might add, to this do of his. That's just plain rude. I hope Catriona knows better than to take up that kind of invitation again. OK, let's see who else is here.
Nathen and some blonde guy I've never seen before. I guess Nathen's intentions weren't murderous... for now.
Huh, Scott's wife Camryn's here too? How many people are in there?!
Catriona weeps in a bout of self-pity. You got played, girl.
They've already got a bubble blower set up. All they needed was transport to their drug-fueled orgy of hedonism. I see Nathen's not taking part. Perhaps he's going to strip them of their appendages when they've fallen asleep on top of each other.
Catriona's been left out of course. They've used her and tossed her aside like an old handkerchief. How sad...
Catriona consoles herself by roasting some marshmallows on fire sculpture. Where'd she get marshmallows from? Isn't a column of fire a bit dangerous to put in a public park? So many questions, but no answers.
I think you're best off just heading home, Catriona. No need to stick around with these assholes.
Meanwhile...
'Then this guy with glasses just smacks the coffee cup out of my hand and says he's going to take the next boat out of town. I don't understand it.'
'I DON'T KNOW MY WAY HOME.'
They've got coffee! That can only mean there's a coffee vendor around here somewhere. Damn you, game designers! WHY?
Hey, it's Shiela Cauliflower! How are you, you old bat?
'I think about death a lot.'
Everyone should have a hobby.
'You got PLAYED!'
*general groans from the audience*
According to the timer, the day out's coming to an end. About damn time.
Thanks, I guess? Who the hell are you again?
... Time to go home. When Catriona returns, a message pops up and it's about Pyke! She's back! Has she got a promotion? Is she going to complete a perfect day for the Crombies' careers?
Let it be known in the annals of history: PYKE FAILS AT SCIENCE.
Step Eleven: after you're quite sure Step Ten has been repeated enough times and with enough force, curl up on a park bench somewhere and wish the pain would stop.
Nooreen heads off to her work in her new role as resident. I'm so proud.
Not much is really happening in the house. I think it's time we found out what a sports party is.
I'm inviting as many as people as possible to see what sticks. Cole Bachman is the name of the blonde friend of Nathen's by the way.
There are TWO people around here called Goopy?
Only two guests ultimately show up: Scott and Cole.
'So, how's that judging going these days?'
'Oh, same old, same old. Sentenced some guy to life in prison just the other day.'
'Wow, what did he do?'
'Dunno really, wasn't paying attention. The prosecuting lawyer had such nice legs.'
It's all fun and games until someone gets their neck broken.
'I was told this was going to be a sports party... sniff.'
'Hey, Catriona, wanna know a secret? I'm going to be moving out tomorrow night. I was only staying here to stay under the radar for a while. There's a guy who's been murdering women and mutilating them. I traced him back to his house and set off one of his bombs.'
'This is Scott-'
'Yes, we've already met. But isn't it cool? I just rid us of a serial killer!'
'Scott's a judge...'
'Shit.'
'Hmm, what? Did I hear my name?'
'Why don't you go play with Cole while I get some business done, alright, Scott?'
'OK.'
'Anyway, this killer had been reusing the body parts of his victims to make these gruesome machines... horrible isn't it?'
'It's such a coincidence, I know someone whose house was destroyed by a bomb just today!'
'...'
'HOLY CRAP.'
The truth is out! But how will Catriona react to the news that one of her oldest friends is actually a murderer with an amputation fetish? Tune in RIGHT NOW to find the answer!
'Aw man, I hate Question Time. Turn over!'
Step Thirteen: after carefully putting the blowtorch away out of the reach of children and animals, grab the penis and PULL.
'I, I don't want to!'
PULL.
'Wow, Question Time's great, That Dimbleby guy knows all the answers.'
'AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH!'
'What was that?!'
'zzz... Jack probably thought the lightbulb was a fairy again... zzz...'
Pyke is desperate to use the toilet. The flu can do that to you. Harriet's presence in the bath has been deemed a non-issue in this light.
Catriona checks Toffee's temperature. Flu's pretty infectious after all.
'It still huuurts.'
'What does?'
'Uh...'
'My elbow! I've got tennis elbow.'
'Too much wanking?'
'Yes- NO! No.'
'Tell you what, we'll play rock, paper, scissors. If you win, I'll let you use the toilet.'
'Curse you, evil woman!'
How embarrassing. Where, oh where can he put his face?
I'm getting deja vu here.
'No... don't go!'
Pyke manages to use the toilet in the nick of time, but it just overflows back out in a sickening, smelly mess. I've had it with these toilets. The sims waste loads of time mopping the floor because they're too damn thick to unclog the fucking toilets. I'm going to see that Pyke unclogs this one. Then everything will be peachy again.
Suddenly a nightmare creature from another dimension appears from out of the U-bend and says:
'What English word means burning wood when you take away the first letter?
Answer me this riddle correctly, and your soul will be spared.'
'I don't understand! Hlamydia isn't a word!'
'... the answer's member, you moron. You can have your soul, I don't want it anymore.'
*GLOOP*
...
*GLOOP*
'And tell whoever it is that keeps eating all that spinach that it's really, really gross for us down here.'
'You look really odd for a demon.'
'Says you! Hey- don't pick me up-'
What in the name of...
'You look like a football, Mr Demon.'
'That's Professor Demon to you, you little snot!'
'Wow, what's the square root of fifty-seven?'
'Uh... between seven and eight. Or negative seven and negative eight.'
'Wow, I've got a know-it-ball!'
'Don't call me that!'
Nooreen takes care of the Gateway to Hell.
The party's over, and it sucked. All Catriona can do is look sadly into this little bowl and regret.
'Time to get me some alcohol, some alcohol, time to get me some alcohol, todaaaaaay.'
DOINK.
'Did I hear... alcohol? I would like some alcohol.'
'AAH! Oh, OK, Pyke, sure. But you're in the way.'
'Professor Demon tells me that alcohol can also be an umbrella term for a wide variety of organic compounds where-'
'Uh, yeah, you're still in my way-'
DOINK.
'Hey guys, I would also like some alcohol.'
'I'm scared.'
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