Memories, Part Three

On with the show.


'Our last childhood home. After we left Miss Hannigan we spent the rest of our childhood years under the care of a gentle transvestite called Zumzum.





'Let me guess - it's Nathen right? Come on, Nooreen, this is easier than Scooby Doo.'





'No. Zumzum was not Nathen. Zumzum graduated from university with distinctions in chemistry and biology. He worked as a pharmocological chemist for several years at a laboratory experimenting on mind-altering drugs which he unwittingly exposed himself to on a daily basis. Eventually he became somewhat demented and was given indefinite absence with pay... desiring privacy and isolation, Zumzum bought a house in the middle of nowhere. No neighbours for miles. It seems Harriet was intent on protecting us this time by making sure we were in a remote location.'


'Why was he called Zumzum? I'm almost too afraid to ask.'






'For a considerable time he believed himself to be King Zumzum, the sole protector of a fairy-inhabited planet that orbited his kneecaps.'






'Are you sure Harriet was trying to protect us? I'm beginning to suspect more and more that she's just trying to drive us mad.'






'We have to trust her. We have no other choice.'






'So... what did he look like?'







'I... I remember him... we stayed with him for nearly eight years before we went to university... right?'





'What did we study at university?'






'I... Um...'






'There isn't anything in the scrapbook about our years at university, but by the time we've finished reading we should have our memories completely returned to us.'




'And find out how to defeat Nathen?'






'Absolutely. Repressing our memories was part of Nathen's plan on keeping his secret weakness safe. Hmm... there are pictures here of when we were sixteen years old.'




'Lemme see.'







'Huh, I don't look so different...'






'I think you look quite cute.'






'Shut the fuck up.'






'Aw, come on. Aren't we supposed to be in love or something?'






'Oh yeah, forgot about that. Still, anyone who calls me cute gets their browser preferences erased.'





'Noooooo, my webcomic bookmarks!'






'Next page...'







'Hey, it's me as a teenager!'






'Or a leather-loving slut.'






'Whore.'






'Tramp.'






'It was fashionable back then! Seriously, fuck off! All of you! Besides, Jack had something similar if I recall-'





'Ahem, let's see the other photos.'







'Ah yes... my hair was shorter back then... and cleaner too. It's never been the same since we started getting that shampoo in the pink bottle.'





'You've been washing your hair with my bubble bath foam?!'






'Jack, is that the same jacket you're wearing in this picture?!'






'Yup! She's my ol' faithful.'






'You should scrape the lichen off the back at some point.'






'I can't do that!'






'Why ever not?!'






'It would upset the moss.'






'So what did you look like, Nooreen? I'll bet you were really different.'







'Nooreen...'






'Yes?'






'... Nothing.'







'Heeeeeeey, Jack, have you ever had the feeling that you were meant for something? That the lives we lead are journeys of destiny along the transient sandbar of existence? That perhaps we were put here for some sort of ultimate goal beyond any mortal understanding?'





'You're pretty.'





Oh no... not again... this is too much.


Jack's transformation from everyday teenager into toothless hobo is... striking to say the least.


As much as they aggravate me, I'm not sure I'll ever get tired of pillow fight screenshots.


'Jack, you never answered my question. I really think something's coming... something big. Something life-changing.'






'Catriona, I'm busy right now. Nooreen here claims that magic isn't real. I mean... seriously? If that wasn't true then why do they call that cereal Lucky Charms?'





'It's just a brand name, they're not actually lucky.'







'After eating them I usually find I have just eaten a most delicious breakfast. Sounds lucky to me.'





'I think you've taken one too many pillows to the noggin. Nooreen's not even here.'







'... She's a witch!'







The Crombies crowd round to watch Catriona play pinball. Crazy, those teenage years, just crazy.



There's an awful lot of unlicensed merchandise floating around out there.


'Hey, dude, Zumzum, you just stepped in some shit.'






'Oh, my! My favourite sandals!'






'Whatever, I've got some communist manifestos to hand out around town.'






'Wait, wait, wait. I was a communist back then?'






'Seems like it... it says here you also read Schopenhauer extensively. No wonder you hate everyone.'





'We are ALL going to DIE. Life is MEANINGLESS.'






'Quite. It also appears that Jack had a collection of small porcelain clowns-'






'I broke them open to see if they really were crying on the inside but there was nothing there.'





'- Catriona went to school everyday on a unicycle-'






'I was always late, but at least I was late in style.'






'- And I sold the kidneys of drifters and homeless people on the black market for a tidy profit.'





'Good times.'







Nooreen tells it how it is, part two.


'Wow, I'd forgotten how funny his shirt was.'







Jack's been standing here for about two hours...


Apparently he's watching Nooreen play pinball... through a solid wall... brr.

'Did you see Sim Soap the other day?! I never thought Louie would do that to Suzanne.'





'I really hope Roland and Joanne get together.'







'THAT NEVER HAPPENED.'







'THEY'LL NEVER KILL OFF JULIAN! NEVER! SAY IT ISN'T TRUE, BITCH SAY IT!'





'IT'S TRUE! I READ IT IN HELLO!'







'... I was young, OK?'







Urgh... family kiss raises its ugly head again. Again, who does this? It's just ridiculously creepy and awkward to watch. The passion between young Jack and his transvestite guardian is almost tangible.


More family kisses... look, I'm just going to leave these out from hereon out. To put it quite bluntly, there's a lot of family kissing going on in this house. I almost expected all-out incest to break out any minute. The teenage Crombies have had more physical contact with each other in the last half-hour than the adult Crombies did in four weeks.


'Ha ha ha I'm a monkey.'







'Oh, Noo-na, your simian impressions never fail to charm.'







THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN!
THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN!


What's he looking at?


In that first instant they were speechless at the sight of the object in front of them. They turned to look at each other, anxiety furrowing their brows and exclamation on the verge of escaping their lips, but as their eyes locked they knew: they were both thinking the exact same thing.


*sniff* 'My very first fire! I'm... I'm choking up, here, someone get me a tissue.'






'We didn't have fire alarms or sprinklers back then... what did we do?'






'What we always do: stare at it, run around for a bit, scream... the usual stuff.'







'The kitchen's on fire! Someone get an extinguisher! Quickly!'






'Zumzum, it hurts.'







'The pain's fairly excruciating now, I'd really appreciate some help.'







'Go on, dude, bet you can't hit my shoulder.'






'Do you smell... barbeque?'






'No.'






'Do you hear... crackling?'






'No.'






'Do you hear... anguished screams of terrible pain? Or is it just me, because I'm beginning to get worried-'





'Dude, just try to punch my arm already!'







'Jack, you need to get out of the fire!'







'Oh my God, there's a fire!'







At this point, they were completely distracted by Sonic the Hedgehog running past. Unfortunately, I was too slow to screenshot it.


'Hey, have we got any left-over cheese and onion flavoured crisps? I'm ravenous.'






'I bagsy the rest of the chocolate mini-rolls.'






'I may never walk again.'







'Noo-na, that sweater looks really good on you, you know.'






'Thanks, Pyke, that means a lot coming from you.'






'Gbsfglaargh.'







This is officially my favourite Crombies image ever.

Tiring of the continuing histrionics, I decided to order Zumzum to put out the fire.


Strangely, the flames diminished before he'd even pulled it out...


Teenage Pyke can see you masturbating.


Zumzum's not doing a very good job at this whole 'fire control' thing. Nooreen's bottom's caught on fire!


'AAAAAAAAAAARGH SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME!'






'Hold on a minute, sweetheart, there's a patch of floor behind you still on fire! Linoleum doesn't grow on trees you know!'






AH HAHAHAHAHA this is hilarious.


'This was my FAVOURITE counter.'






'I think I'm feeling better now, except for the smoke inhalation which is most likely doing irreparable damage to my lungs and will make every moment breathing a near-asphyxiated hell in my middle age.'




'PUT ME OUT AAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAaaaaaaaaaa...'







'And then I died. All that was left of me was a pile of ash.'






'Um. No you didn't. You're right here. Wholly incarnate.'






*cough* 'Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. I may have exaggerated some of the details. Zumzum eventually put the fire out.'





'What's this all got to do with Nathen? Did he not find us this time?'






'Yes, he did. According to the notes here, it seems he... he was nearly destroyed in this encounter with us! This is it! We're so close to finding out how to kill him and save the Earth!'




'Come out with it then! How? I'm on tenterhooks, man.'






'Patience... patience. I have here a picture of the incarnation he used to disguise himself in Zumzum's grounds...'






'That's a tree.'






'That's right. The perfect disguise...'






'How did he get into the grounds disguised as a tree?'






'Hmm... good point.'







'Doo dee doo doo... doo dee doo... hey there, Miss Crombie... lookin' good!'







'Lookin' reaaaaal good!'







Jack manages to burn his first ever cooked meal, in other news. What's not pictured is earlier when he slowly rotated on the spot for a few hours. I did screenshot it, but there's little I can do to show what transpired in its full glory without animation, so I'll leave it up to your fertile imaginations.

It was just odd, OK?


Carbon. The tastiest element.

Later that night...

Catriona awoke from her sleep and walked out into the night, hearing her name on the wind, whispering. Down, down, down she drifted towards the garden, only partially coherent of her surroundings. As if she were in a state of wakefulness neither here nor there... neither fully aware nor utterly somnolent.


Oh, and she dressed herself first.

'Who- who's there?'








'My name is irrelevant. I have summoned you here to examine you... to find out if you and your friends are ready to be part of your world's destruction.'






'... Jack get out from behind that tree, it's not funny.'






'You are not yet ready, stupid child. I've been watching you... all of you...'







'Hey, who're you calling stupid? I'm not the one who believes there's an appendix fairy.'






'Arrogant little trollop! Your antics today almost destroyed me.! ME! KILLED BY AN INFERIOR SPECIES?! No... it will not do!






'Jack, I'm sorry you lost your eyebrows OK? How many times do I have to apologise for that?'






'I will return for you in six years time... enjoy your short miserable life while you still have it. When I return, I will kill you.'







'HAHAHAHAhahahaha....'








'What the fuck?'






'It all makes sense now... the clues are all here. The only thing that can destroy Nathen forever is fire!'






'I... I can feel my memories returning!'






'Me too! I remember everything! Lumpy and Normann, Miss Hannigan, Zumzum- everything! The day after I lost my eyebrows I covered Catriona's mattress with raspberry jam! I REMEMBER!'




'We moved out of Zumzum's house to go to university when we were eighteen. That's where we first met Harriet. She enrolled so she could watch over us there.'





'Wait, one thing I don't understand is how Nathen could have been in the kitchen when the fire started. I don't see him in any of the pictures until afterwards.'





'He must have been using a different form. Perhaps a cockroach or a fly or something?'





'You're saying he could be in this room right now? With us?'






'... I suppose so.'






'Hahaha... HAHAHA... AHAHAHAHAHA!!!'







'Shit.'