Day Thirty-Five

Today, we have a new housemate...

Scott Brick will be staying with the Crombies for three days! What glorious indecency will he unleash on our heroes now, I wonder! Stay tuned to find out...

This house is not Nooreen.

'What the- what the hell are you doing sneaking into the house at this time of night?!'







'It's Camryn. my wife! She- she kicked me out!'








'Dare I ask... why?'








'I carefully carved a waxwork replica of Nooreen and laid it on her side of the bed. Camryn tried to move it and I may have overreacted a little. But come on, seriously, her hair WILL grow back! Her eyebrows too, probably. She says I can't come back until I've got over my, ha ha, get this, OBSESSION. I'm not the obsessive type, I told her that, but she wasn't having it.'



'So to get over Nooreen, you've decided to camp out at our house. Where she lives.'







'You're my next door neighbours! You wouldn't throw me out on the streets would you? I've got nothing to my name but the clothes on my back! I wanted to take the waxwork with me, but she wouldn't let me.'





'You can stay for three days. THREE. And only because Nooreen trod on my foot at the dancefloor. Then I'm pushing you out the door no matter what. Hey, dude, listen to me. Scott! HEY!'

Woah, Scott's just caught a glimpse of Nooreen and the thought bubbles are pouring out of him like no one's business. I think this is what they call 'mixed feelings'.

'There she IS! The beautiful angel of my dreams!'

Yeah. I don't care how madly in love you are, you shouldn't get the butterflies watching an old lady having a shit.

Folks, it is all downhill from here.

'I'm off to work! Jack, don't forget to clean that blocky thing you like so much! It smells like... well, you! Wash it! Bye!'






'Jack, your hair... it's the same colour as my Nooreen's and almost as soft! Can I... can I touch it?'






'I've gotta go wash my brick!'

'Just noticed a dirty plate, ha ha! I'll just come over here and give it a good scrub. Ha ha.'






'You are the creepiest, most solvenly weasel-like man I have ever met. You need help that goes beyond electro-shock therapy. Stay away from me or I'm calling the police. Next time I see Pyke I will MURDER her for not doing so the moment you crept in. You are a disgusting slimeball bottomfeeder that repulses even the lowliest of pitiful spineless creatures. I fucking hate you.'



'She knows I exist!'

'Why can't you just leave me alone?







'Nooie-'







'You may never, ever call me Nooie.'







'- could it be, you just haven't given me a chance? I'm a nice guy, really! You've just never got to know the real me! We're soulmates. Destined to be together by the stars. You just need to... go where the wind blows a little. I want you to see what we could be!'





'NO. NO. NO.'







'You'll change your mind... maybe not now, maybe not even today, but... you'll change your mind.'

I honestly could not have planned this screenshot better if I'd tried. That Scott is one hell of a conniver.

In a mistaken attempt at diplomacy, Scott trys to soothe matters by giving Nooreen a friendly tickle.

'Don't try to fight it, Nooie. Come hell or high weather, you will be mine. And I will marry you.'

Jack, meanwhile, has pissed himself right in front of the toilet. These wanton urinations are becoming depressingly frequent.

'Wow, this house and everyone in it is so filthy. Except my Nooie of course.'







'I- I can explain! I was just going to the toilet when I- I wet my pyjamas!'







'...'







'...'







'OK, old man, you know what? I believe you.'







'I've got to go... uh... cower under my sheets in mortified shame! Yeah! That's it!'







'You do that.'

Good readers, guard your women and hide away your children for there is nothing that can untaint the dark power of the Toilet That Would Not Be Cleaned.

Suddenly, Scott leaves the bathroom and marches very deliberately through the living room to the back of the house. Where are you going, Scott?

As if I couldn't fucking guess. Don't try to pretend you're here to wipe up the puddle whose existence you somehow divined. It was on the other side of the building and on a different floor!

Scott watched Nooreen sleep for approximately an hour before wandering off. And if that wasn't creepy enough he maintained the odd, angry expression in the picture above the whole way through. For some reason I must have missed, Scott is actually furious with Nooreen. Perhaps it was her rejection of his tickling?

That's enough. As soon as he's tumbled out I'm selling the damn gyroscope.

In fairness, he did actually last longer than any of the Crombies did.

Oh... oh no...

'I will call her... Nooie.'

Scott went on to lovingly caress, kiss, and generally molest this brick for another three fucking hours. I don't even know why I put that brick on the floor. I guess I got the idea from a magazine or something.

'I love my brick!'

'I hate nothing! I HATE IT SO MUCH!'

Oh, you've noticed my latest addition to the gym, eh? With the gyroscope gone, I thought I'd include some truly gigantic mirrors for our sims to flex their muscles in front of. If I had the graphics settings switched on higher, you'd actually be able to see all the reflections. But the computer being how it is... no. We cannot do that.

That Harriet does phone the house an awful lot.

'Wait - Scott? What are you doing there?'







'Well, I was having a little bit of a love session with Nooie before you interrupted. Pyke isn't here, she's at work.'







'You? And Nooreen?'







'Yeah, baby. We're like basil and tomato, salt and vinegar. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.'







'Christ, she hasn't suffered any... head trauma or anything recently has she?'







'What do you mean?'








'Never mind... just tell Pyke I've got a lead on Nathen at SimCity so she isn't to go there today. Bye. Brr...'

Harriet's amazing sense of timing comes into play here as Pyke returns moments after the phone call. Here. we see her fall asleep on her way to the master bedroom. Maybe I shouldn't have put the most desirable bed at the farthest point away from the front door?

I wake Pyke up and she immediately decides to go to a different bed - by going down the lift she just came up in. Make up your mind, you daft old besom.

And now the lift's broken and sent Pyke hurtling down by twelve feet or so. It's not your day is it, Pyke?

I'll need someone to repair the lift later... holy cow! The arboretum is overgrown! Maybe I should call a gardener tomorrow? That might be interesting. For now though, I just want Pyke to go to bed before she collapses again.

Woah, that was weird... I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. I told Pyke to go to the bedroom and without changing her posture one bit she zipped to the point to which I had directed her. Sinister. It was like she was a ghostly mannekin on rollerblades.

There. Finally. You just stay there now, you freak of nature.

'Oh, hey, Nooreen! You're awake! How about I make us some lunch? I've got us some asparagus and clams. I bought them... special.






'I'd rather eat my own bottom.'







'... I'm listening.'

'Looks like you could do with a wash too, Mrs Toffee! I've no idea how you managed to get so sticky!'

'Hey, I put those rose petals on your bed to show my AFFECTION. You could show me a little gratitude here.'







'There was a fucking mountain of the stuff! I nearly drowned!'







'I always knew there was more to the phrase "smother with love".'

You're gonna lose that girl!
You're gonna looooooooose that girl!

'Would you love me if I was a burglar?'







'Uh... no?!'







''Cos, baby? I would steal your heart.'







'Fuck off and die.'

'Would you let me fondle your boobies if I pretended to be a chimpanzee? Throw me a bone here, lady, I'm trying here!'

Pyke swaps beds again. I was going to say this was odd, but now I'm guessing the TV woke her up.

After rebuffing Scott's advances, Nooreen suddenly decides to play the piano. I can't remember the last time she did that. Or played any instrument for that matter. The music room has remained somewhat dusty since its creation.

I call this Sexual Frustration And The Male Condition: A Reflection.

I've ordered Jack to fix the lift. No need to take pictures of it, we've seen it loads of times.

Scott eventually goes to sleep.

'Mmm... I can smell her fragrant scent on the pillow... I wonder... should I... lick it?'

With Scott gone, Nooreen puts her plan into action. Her terrible, wretched plan...

'Hello? Hi, uh...'







'What is it? Time is money, yeh know what I'm sayin', sweetheart?'







'I know what you do and I need your help... I've got a job for you.'

'What have I become?'

And they're here! The Hunters! For some reason, I took a screenshot where most of them are facing away from me. Hmm.

'Alright, ladies, keep yehr cool. We're goin' to do this professionally. In, out, nae messin' around. And Daisy? Nae bitin' off fingers this time, got it?'






'Spoilsport.'







'Our target is a red-headed male by the name of Scott Brick. He should be sleeping in the master bedroom on the first floor at the far side of the house. He is unarmed and does not expect us. Should be a piece of cake.'






'Lookit this crazy dog! It's got glowin' eyes! Hey, Daisy, give it a kick!'

'Hurr, I love kickin' stuff.'

'Ha, there she is, Maureen wasn't it? Yeh've already met me, but these are ma girls! This is Daisy, she's our muscle. Does a lot of the, ah, dirty work so to speak. Throat-slitting, garotting, torture if yeh want it... she's quite talented. She's our debt collector too. Can yeh believe some of our clients hold out on payin' us for our services some times? I trust yeh'll be forthcomin' with the goods once we're done.'



'Oh, er, of course-'







'Are toes allowed? Can I bite off her toes?'







'Only if she doesn't pay, Daisy, only if she doesn't pay. Now, then this is Vicky, my consigliere. She finds us clients, keeps us in the business yeh know? She also has a bit of a speciality in  fakin' suicides if that's what yehr int'rested in.'





'Ah, look, maybe this was a bad idea-'







'Hey, don't you think of reneging on our deal now! We'll cut your ears off and feed them to Daisy-'






'Hurr.'







'We're s'posed to be layin' low while the fuzz are after us! We're only here as a favour to Kate so don't do anythin' you might regret now. Or you'll be very sorry.'






'Relax, Vicks, relax. We don't want to spook the mark before we get what's owed, now. This here is Anna, she's our poisons expert. She can kill yeh in more ways than I have hairs on ma head.'





'Aye, that's right. If you want his eyeballs to pop out of his skull, I'm your girl.'







'Always with the eyeballs, woman! Can yeh not think of a bigger way to let the cops know we're here?'






'Don't tell me I have to use arsenic. AGAIN. You've not got any appreciation for the ART that is-'






'ANYWAY, this is the last member of our motley crew: Kathryn. She's our logistics and getaway engineer. There's no point in doin' somethin' if yeh don't know how to do it and get caught. Isn't that right, Kathryn?'





'We're going to stab him until he doesn't move anymore then throw him in the sea.'







'Atta girl. So, Lauren, any questions?'







'Well, yes, uh-'







'That's the spirit. Alright ladies, let's go. I'll take the rear exit, yeh lot take the south lift and check the perimeter. This'll be an easy one.'

'Bork bork bork.'

'Just concentrate on the cabbage, Nooreen, there's no need to feel guilty. He was gross and creepy and had it coming. It's out of your hands now anyway. Just eat your meal and let them get on with it...'

'Lookit all this stuff, they've got everythin', sister!'







'I don't know, Anna, Kate said we shouldn't beat about the bush-'






'Aw, come on. They won't miss us! Holy shit, is that a bubble blower over there?! I've ALWAYS wanted to use one of those-'






'What the hell are you two playin' at? We've got a job to do here! We- is that a pool table?'

'Why couldn't we have killed the owners of this place, huh? They've got a fuckin' photo booth in here, girls.'

'Fuck the world, man, there's no justice.'

'What the fuck do yeh guys think yeh're doin' here? I didn't bring yeh here to play with fuckin' toys! Jesus fuckin' Christ...'

'Holy fuck, have yeh all seen this? They've got a fuckin' bowling alley upstairs! How did they get it in?'

'No, Daisy, they did not use fuckin' ghosts.'







Meanwhile...

'What the- what're you doing here?'







'Well, I woke up and thought I'd come down for a midnight snack, baby. And might I say, you look exceedingly delicious...'

'I take it all back, I want this man dead more than I want myself to live. Where the fuck are they?'

'So there I was, right? I had my arm round his throat and I says to him, I says: 'I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to do it painfully.' And he says 'You don't have the guts!' And then I say 'Maybe, but you do!' And I guts him right there with my butcher's hook and his intestines all slop out onto the floor in front of him! The look on his face, aw man! It was SO. FUNNY.'



'Fuckin' hell, Vicks, you tell this same bloody story every fuckin' time.'

Well, that didn't last very long did it?

'So I'm thinking we could go see the world together, make a clean break from the other saddos mooching around this place. They're holding you back, Nooreen. With me, you can BE someone.'

Nooreen disagrees.

Scott takes this latest rejection as stalwartly as he can before hurtling a water balloon at Nooreen. As you would.

'Aw, hey, look at that. You're all wet. Don't worry, I'll give you a good towelling off-'







'PYKE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING ALL DAY? I'M GOING TO THROTTLE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU FOR LETTING THIS MORON IN.'






'Keep going, dude, this is quality morning entertainment. Want some popcorn?'

'I'm a doctor, Pyke. You do not know of all the ways I know how to make you suffer. And you can say goodbye to your Dip Dab stash for a start!'






'That's uncool, man.'

'I've already got blurry vision from all the pillow fights we've been having.'







'I think that's just old age, it's been happening to me too. I saw a group of ladies kicking a dog with glowing eyes down the street earlier...guess I should get some glasses.'






'Must... not... orgasm!'

'Dude, we did not want to hear that.'







'... and I sometimes worry about the, ah, little man downstairs, you know? He's not standing like the proud soldier he once was- this is all doctor-patient confidential right?'






'When the end comes, I'm going to fucking cannonball into its icy embrace. I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM. EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU CAN FUCK OFF. RIGHT NOW.'

'Hi, guys. Have I missed anything?'