Day Twenty-Seven

Catriona and Nooreen have left the house to inspect the new easels. Their response is at least consistent.


'Fucking easels! This is the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever.'






'Easels?! Ewww!'







'Jesus Christ, don't USE it! You don't know where it's been! That's so gross! I think I'm going to- BLURGH!!!'





'I just wanted to draw a puppy.'






'BLUUUUUUUUURGH!!!'







'What are you painting on that thing?! Why are you doing this, Jack?! You're bringing us nothing but SHAME.'





'I- I just want to draw a puppy.'






'Someone put these shitty easels here, Jack, and they did it to screw with us. I mean, just look at them! Aren't they the most vile, revolting things you've ever seen?!'




'But the easel indoors is exactly the same as these!'






'I thought you were one of the good guys, Jack. But now you're out here. With a fucking easel. Drawing a fucking PUPPY.'





'He's going to be called Simon.'






'I'M PUKING OUT MY BUM! BLUURRRGHHFLPBTH!'







'Show me the way to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago,
And it went right to my head.'


'It doesn't even look like a puppy! The perspective's all wrong! Is that supposed to be its head? It looks like its ANUS.'





'It's hard to concentrate with you yelling at me like this! You're making me do it wrong!'





'I'm sorely disappointed in you, Jack. Sorely.'






'Puppies are hard! I bet you couldn't do any better!'







Catriona wakes up, climbs out of bed and piss/shits on the floor. How could she even let this happen? She was faced with a choice: either attempt to sleep with your large intestine groaning at the seams or GO TO THE FUCKING TOILET BEFORE GOING TO BED.



Welcome to Watercolour Challenge, Crombies edition.

'No one outpaints me! My puppy will be hitting your puppy with a fire axe. In SPACE.'






'Mine's going to be saying woof and eating biscuits.'







We've reached another milestone here. Pyke has just earned the last creativity skill point which puts her at the equivalent of Leonardo da Vinci I guess. Well done, Pyke.

'Skillz.'







'I'm not often given to the lower vernacular, but this puppy is bitchin'.'






'I can't quite get the body right. Man, I used to be good at this.'







'Who am I kidding? I'm a terrible artist! Let's just agree that the puppy would look better if I had a model to go on.'





'An easy victory. I'm going inside for some food. I'll finish the masterpiece later.'






'I'm going inside too. All this painting's making me sleepy. I guess adding the tail can wait a few hours. Let's see yours?'







'Not perfect, yet, but absolutely beautiful, don't you agree?'






'Wow, that's really good. Really puppy-like. Looks a lot like your cockroach killing machine though.'





Philistine. Let's see yours then.'







'... That's not a puppy.'






'It's a work in progress, Nooreen. Jeez.'






Later...


'I wish he would wake up so I could tell him about my mad skillz.'






Not a lot happened for a while because for a good few hours all the Crombies were asleep. Then... the phone rang.


Scott inserts himself into yet another post. For a sim I have absolutely no control over he's a bit of an attention-seeking whore.

I click yes.


'SCOOOOOTT.'







'Oh, and if Nooreen's there, let her know every day I go without her I cut myself.'






'Now now, Scott, she's not interested, she's been over this with you. You should be paying more attention to your wife.'





'Yeah, she's been wondering why I put up framed pictures of Nooreen all over the house. Frankly, I think she's getting suspicious.'






'I've... gotta go.'







'OIL LAMP!'






'AAH! Christ, Jack, you startled the bejesus out of me.'






'Oil lamp is so much scarier than plain old boo.'







'I've just noticed you don't have any balls.'






'Well... no?'






'I do. They're awesome.'






'Is this going anywhere or did you just not know how to work some gloating about your testicles into the conversation?'





'I took pictures of them and mailed them to the National Geographic but they haven't got back to me yet. I'm just a little anxious about it.'




Catriona and Jack go into the kitchen where they play rock, scissors, paper for a while until the phone rings again. Jack goes to pick it up.


Um, Jack, where are you going? It's right there.


Jack...

Catriona answers the downstairs phone before Jack can reach the one in the recreation room.


Yes. Yes she is.


Holy gee, the phone stopped ringing. Are you shocked? I'm shocked.


Ah yes... in two days, the Crombies will grow old. That should be interesting! I'm rather surprised that all four sims have made it this far. I've had sims die when I was actually TRYING to stop them from starving to death or bursting into flames.

Old age does not concern us today though. We've got to hear what Harriet's got to say to Nooreen.


'Did you just call me? Who's on the phone?'






'Hey, Nooreen, look at me! I'm dancing! I'm doing "the squirrel"! Hey, Noo-na! Look! Noo-na! Look! Hey! Look!'






'Ohhh, hi Harriet. What's up?'






'Not much. Just protecting the planet from alien threats, repairing rips in the space/time continuum, and making cryptic remarks to any normal people that get involved in my exploits. You know, stuff like 'I think you already know' when they ask what's going on. Stuff like that.'




'Ah yeah, Jack said you were an alien or something but I wasn't buying it. I suppose you're going to tell us to stay away from Nathen again right? No need, we haven't seen him in ages.'




'Actually, I was rather hoping you had. I've had my agents searching from dawn to dusk but it's like he's vanished from the surface of the Earth! We're hoping that hasn't happened or we'll all be in big trouble.'





'Nooreen! Look! I'm dancing! Look!'







'Nooreen, you're not looking! Hey! Noo-na!'






'What does this Nathen guy want with us anyway? Why did he try to bomb our house while we were all out?'





'Because he's stupid. He intended to murder all of you and steal your limbs to build his spaceship.'






'Even if I did believe in all this, why us? What's so special about our limbs?'






'I think you already know.'







'... NO I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW. I don't want to be murdered in my sleep by some fruitcake with a hacksaw. If you don't know where he is, what are we supposed to do?'




'All of you are important in one way or another, but it's Catriona's limbs he requires the most. With her body he can create a devastating heat ray capable of eradicating the entire planet! You and your friends have got to be careful! And especially Catriona!'





'Catriona?'






'Dance with me, Noo-na, dance with me! Woo! I'm dancing, Noo-na!'






'I'm on the fucking phone! Harriet, I don't know why I should believe any of this without proof. Jack's as impressionable as butter in a microwave but I need evidence.'





'Don't make me use my eyes on you.'






'All the evidence you need is in your past... even in your house! Look back on your lives together... all of you... give it a good long look. Then you'll understand. You're all here for a reason. You're here to save the world.'






'You're not making any sense! Look at my past? You're crazy.'






'Yo, Nooreen, looking pretty sour there, let's dance the night away! Doo doo dee doo doo doo DOO DOO DOO-'





'Excuse me, I've got to go. Dismemberment sounds more entertaining by the minute.'






'I got those mad skillz blues... ain't no one listenin' to mah grooves... 'cos I got those mad skillz blues...'







HYPOCRITE.

The Crombies should go out somewhere. You've gotta enjoy those nights out clubbing while you're still young after all! While they're out I'll try and satisfy two of their wants each, see what happens.


'Dudes! I maxed out my creativity skill points! I can see the intrinsic beauty of the most mundane things! The turn of the world! The spinning of the stars above us! The grinding rotation upon the very axis of the universe, I CAN SEE IT YOU FOOLS! I CAN SEE IT ALL!'



'Can you see... this?'






'Eh? See what, I don't- aaaaah, maaaaaan, that's gross! Not in the car! Not in the car!'






Been a while since we were last here.


Yes they did. Yes, every single one.

Let's take a quick look through their wants for anything new/interesting.

Pyke wants to work as the DJ! This should be good!


'What the fuck...? It's all Boney M! And... Rick Astley?!





A quick browse of the Kingdom's other clients reveals another Chumble member we haven't met yet.


It's Dan Chumble! Like all the Chumbles, Dan doesn't look very much like his real life counterpart at all.


I like to imagine she's laughing moronically at all the shiny things in this picture. It's better than imagining that someone's slit the corners of her mouth with a knife...

Catriona and Nooreen, meanwhile, are going to give us some karaoke!


'Come on Noo-na, this song NEEDS two people! I don't want to look silly.'






'I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy this.'







'I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, Noo-na, now when did You last let your heart decide?'





'It was probably two months ago when I bought a non-diet coke. Oh, wait, I should be singing.'







'Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And all the things they do, They were all... something...'






She's got those bare necessities, don't ya know.

If you're wondering where Jack is, he's been guzzling punch pretty much all the time after he finished distastefully examining all the lights. He wants to slow dance with someone... and so does Pyke! Perfect!


'My apologies, Lord Tucker, I had no idea you were here.'






'Woof.'







'It will not happen again, m'lord. I will place the steaks outside my front door as requested.'





'Woof.'







'No pepper. Yes sir.'







'Hey, Pyke, wanna dance? I thought we could try dancing as slowly as possible to this pounding, high tempo techno loop.'





'Dude, I've got great dancing skillz.'







'We all live in a yellow submarine, yo!'






'A yellow submarine! A yellow submarine!'






At this moment I heard a sudden brush of harp notes. What's going on?

OH NO.


WHAT HAVE I DONE.

Jack and Pyke have fallen in love with each other?! That's... just... all he did was ask her to DANCE! This is crazy! They're both going to be old fogies in two days so I think it's unlikely we're going to see what horrible abominable fruit could spring from this union.


This is the slow dance. Basically they stand like they are in the image and veeeeery veeeeery slowly rotate through three hundred and sixty degrees. It is very boring to watch. And almost excruciatingly slower than it should be on the computer I'm using to run The Sims 2. It'd probably break into a sweat running Pong.

'When you decided you wanted to dance with me I suddenly realised I love you. I don't know why.'





'More than Toffee?'






'I'M TORN.'





The very moment that these two suddenly went all soppy over each other, one of Jack's wants changed to this:


That's bad form, Jack. That's just... selfish.

If you thought Jack and Pyke falling in love with each other was the most amazing development so far in this post, then you are wrong, because it has NOTHING on what happens in the next image. What happens is mindblowing. It is unbe-fucking-lievable.


Nooreen washes her hands after using the toilet! This is the first time any Crombie has EVER DONE THIS. I shit you not.

Nooreen, I salute your adequate standards of personal hygiene.

Catriona wants a drink. Let's go get her one.


'I'll have one booze please.'







'So... what now?'






'I don't know.'






'I want to have two lovers at once. Covered in syrup.'






'...'






'Maple syrup of course, not cheap and nasty stuff.'






'...'






'I'd settle for mashed banana.'







New rule: you don't get to call yourself an alcoholic until you make this expression when you're anticipating your next drink.

Let's see now... Pyke and Catriona have two wants fulfilled now, and Jack and Nooreen have one a-piece.


'Nooreen, you've just stolen my drink. Please give it back before this sweet smile turns to a deep black, almost Lovecraftian rage.'






'We need to talk about this, Jack, there's no need to rush headlong into things before we've discussed how we feel about us, this, where things are going...'





'Pyke, please! I'm trying to poo.'






'You can't let that be your excuse forever! I won't let your bowels ruin this relationship!'






'... Crazy bitch.'






...

...

...

*plop*


Girl's got plans.

It's time to take them home now, Pyke is worryingly close to starvation.


'Wait for me! I was on the bog!'






'Just get in already!'






'Hop in, man, plenty of space for both of us-'






CRUNCH.


Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

But Weetabix helps.

Jack's gone off to finish his painting and Nooreen's not doing anything so I'll fulfill her second want now.

She wants to slow dance too! ... Should I?


Well, there you go. Now Catriona and Nooreen are in love with each other too. I guess it gives the whole thing a nice sort of symmetry. I wonder where the bizarre events of today will lead us. Only time, as is often the case, will tell.


Is this... regret? Poor Nooreen.

The night presses on and not much happens. Jack finishes his painting and everyone goes to bed, except Catriona who has elected to sleep on on the of the recliners behind the garage.


'Simon The Puppy Makes A New Friend' by Jack Crombie.


Goodnight, Crombies... tomorrow marks the end of your youth. Make it count!