Day Twenty-Six

After I removed the pillars, the music room was left floating in the air. Nature abhors a vacuum and so do I. Thus, I have built an art gallery for the Crombies, so they can indulge in a little cultural education in their spare time. Will they use it? Doubtful.

DON'T THINK I CAN'T SEE YOU RAIDING THE FRIDGE, JACK.


A closer look. The thing blocking the Marilyn Monroe picture is a sort of indoor waterfall. As you can see I put it the wrong way round and haven't noticed until now. I'll fix that later.


The creation of the gallery has also resulted in the world's smallest and most pathetic arboretum.


For some reason the settings were changed slightly when I loaded the game up. Neighbouring houses are visible as are neighbourhood decorations (like Stonehenge...)

This house is Scott's house. It's pixelated and blurry and the roof looks like it's affixed by springs. I think you can tell why I usually have these settings off.

Never mind that for now, I want you all to cast your mind back to when we last encountered the Crombies with whatever twinkly harp glissando sound effect you desire. Catriona and Nooreen had just returned from Bernard's Botanical Diner...


Catriona has made a wrong turn after getting out of the car and become hopelessly lost in the garage, just like Harriet did. I need to stop this happening in the future.


WRONG WAY.

Nooreen goes to work.


Jack's making everyone cereal. Bless. He's also gained a cooking point, apparently. And with it, he's learned a new meal! Most exciting! This is the first time anyone's broken the two cooking skill points barrier.


WARNING: do not feed the stinky politician.


'I'm so awesome.'

Pyke's random nap counter: 1


'Why (CHOMP) does (SPIT) no one ever (SPLAT) want to (GLOMPH) have breakfast with me? (SPEW)'


Pyke knows but does not tell. She's mysterious that way.


As the cornflakes expire, they release some sort of swamp gas. All of the Crombies' food does. I theorise that if we put glasses of water out for a few hours, they too would do the same. The inevitable conclusion of all this is that we could turn ordinary tap water into unlimited biofuel! We just need to work out some way of leaving a reservoir on the Crombies' counter. I only came here with the question, ladies and gentlemen. Only the world's brightest minds can give us the answer.


Pyke crushes my beautiful plan with a mop. Damn and blast it, woman!


I don't think it'd be a good idea to put this guy in the public eye while he's inebriated. Best to let him sleep it off and arrange the meet and greet for another day. I tell Catriona to cancel the event.


I'm getting better at these, I think. Why does it say nearly averting political espionage? I thought replacing the speech would be actually averting political espionage. I don't suppose it's important.


'Still so awesome.'

Pyke's random nap counter: 2


HOLD EVERYTHING!!!

Jack had an epiphany while he was preparing cereal earlier. Something in his brain just clicked and that broad, wonderful world of slapping fried meat between two pieces of bread just suddenly unfurled like a glorious flower in his head. Before now he had no idea how to make burgers, but it seems so obvious now! You put the MEAT between the BREAD. THAT'S JUST INSANE.

Tune in next week when we'll be discovering that bananas are much tastier when you peel them.


Take it easy, Jack, it's only a hamburger.


Pyke goes to work. And loses her right eye. Jack's the only one in the house now.


Jack eats the hamburger then carefully farts on his empty plate to dishonour the defeated rival.


It's so difficult to remain cordial with your friends when they refuse to surrender their limbs to you.


'Hello, Harriet. How are you today?'






'Be very still. I have reason to believe that a man by the name of Nathen Landry has planted a bomb in your house. Luckily, he is very stupid, so it shouldn't be too difficult to find. I've been monitoring this man ever since he escaped the insane asylum on Mars.'




'Asylum? Mars? I don't understand!'







'A bomb... does this mean Nathen's an alien? ARE YOU AN ALIEN?'






'There's no time to explain! You've got to find the bomb! Nathen will stop at nothing to collect enough limbs to build himself...'






'Yes?'






'... A SPACESHIP! Fully armed! He could destroy the entire planet!'







'That's scary! What do I do?! Everyone else is at work!'






'You've got to find the bomb!'







'But how?! This house is huge! It seems like every other day I come across a new room I've never been in! Where am I supposed to go?!'





'Oh, wait, there it is.'






'OK, listen very carefully...'







'But we've got to warn the president!'






'What... what president?'







'Sorry... I've been reading the Manchurian Candidate.'






'I need you to find the green wire and cut it.'







'Green, green, green... will blue and yellow do? If I cut them both together that'll be the same as cutting green. Yes. That's how it works.'





'Find the fucking green wire! Nathen's entering the final phase of his plans! He's going to kill everyone in SimNation!'






'OK, I've cut it. Do I get a prize?'






'You get to live!'








'Saving the world's going to look amazing on my CV.'






'Whatever. Just keep an eye out. There are more powerful forces at work here than you could ever know... Nathen's just the tip of the iceberg... you and your housemates have been manipulated your entire lives...'






'Just who are you? Back at university, you said you were from England! What-'






'I've already said too much! You've got to prepare for what's coming. Remember your past and you will find the way!'






'I'm very confused. What the hell is this?'






'Plot development.'







'Oh, I see. Wait, what the fuck?'






'Got to go.' *CLICK*








Jack decides to do some bowling to relax from the bomb threat ordeal. He's still rubbish at it.


Catriona's home! The door swings open to greet her before she's anywhere near it. Slightly freaky. She goes straight to bed. Nooreen returns home soon after and does the same thing.


I don't know what he's making this time. It looks like an appetising amalgam of vomit and shit.


Yummy.

Pyke returns from work.

Pyke's random nap counter: 3


This is Pyke going to the garage after getting out of bed. The screenshot never took for some reason, so take my word on it.

Pyke's random nap counter: 4

Pyke's going to the garage because it's time for a proper ladies' night out this time. Jack's at work, so it's just the girls.


'I heard about this new park that's opened, thought we could give it a whirl.'






'A park? I thought this was going to be a fun night out?'






'I'm trying to avoid places where they sell alcohol. It's just not good for me.'






'Glad to see you're taking affirmative action against your problems, Catriona. We had this alcoholic at the clinic who'd tried to smuggle a bottle of vodka in by ramming it up his rectum. I had to take it out myself, it wasn't pleasant.'




'DO YOU STILL HAVE IT?! IT BURNS SO GOOD.'






'Nooreen, is it my imagination, or do you do an awful lot of pulling-things-out-of-rectums? I've never actually heard of you doing any other procedure.'





'Back in medical school they called me The Ass Queen.'








NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-


-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Catriona wants to freestyle for tips again. Let's see what this is...


'Yo!

Yo yo!

I'm the Rainbow Cottage girl with the cutest face,
I'm bustin' out rhymes all ovah the place!
You bitches better listen, cuz when I'm through,
You're gonna know ev'rything 'bout the Crombies crew,

Yo!

Yo yo!'


'I got my buddy Jack and his toffee brick,
Muthafucka's got a bathroom where he gets onanistic,
He's down with the homies in the fashion scene,
Designin' and craftin' dresses in aquamarine (bitch, please),

Pink-haired Pyke is the girl with the knowledge,
An atheist with attitude, you know she's from college (peace, y'all!),
That girl knows science, computers and philosophy,
But she don't know shit about higher proctology,

All the bodies in the morgue know the name of Nooreen,
She's killed every major organ but the muthafuckin' spleen,
Her eyes could fry every fool on the planet,
So if you bitches wanna live, ya betta can it!

Yo!

Yo yo!'


'And I'm Catrionah, the campaign managah,
I run this shit from Spring to the fuckin' end of Decembah,
I've got the power of whisky, vodka, tonics, and gins (fo' sure, dawg),
I drink more beer than twenty Australians!

Yo!

Yo yo!'


'Peace out, muthafuckas.'


'Coffee please!'






'BRIAN? IS BRIAN HERE? I'VE BEEN LOST FOR NEARLY A WEEK AND I MISS MY BEDTIME STORIES.'







This very pale woman's been watching Catriona silently for a while. She's not dressed like most sims. And her avatar's unusual too.

'Vell done, little voman! I enjoyed your performance.'







'Hello. I'm Catriona.'






'Yes, you said. I am the last in the long and noble line of de Rekots. Ve hail from the darkest heart of Romania. Ah ha ha ha! And my name is... Patsy.'






'That's lovely. Would you like to join me for a coffee? Or something stronger if I can find it.'





'Is there... blood?'







'Just coffee I think. I prefer beer, wine and spirits personally. Not separately, just all swilled together in a champagne bucket.'





'Very vell, I shall partake in this drinking of... coffee. But only if it vas brewed by a virgin.'






'Anything's possible.'







'... Personally, I think some art is getting overrated. Urinals? Dirty beds? I once drew a smiley face on one patient's kidney. Now THAT'S original!'






The moon is not Nooreen.


'I do not like these recycled paper cups. Jugular veins release the flavour better. Coffee is much bitterer than blood... vhere is the aftertaste of copper? Vhere is the thick consistency I have alvays cherished on those long vinter nights?'





'All this talk of blood and virgins, your fangs and pale complexion, your aversion to garlic, sunlight, crucifixes, and almost everything else apparently... I've got to ask, Patsy: are you a vampire?'




'No, of course I'm not. I just have allergies.'







'What about wanting to drink blood all the time, what's with that?'






'Uh... vould you believe me if I said it was a Romanian brand of coffee?'







'Awesome, I've never met a vampire before. What else do you bite besides maidens? How about dogs? Or cars?'






'Oil drums bleed black blood. It's very gothic, if poisonous, but I don't suppose that would affect the dead.'






'HrflarghlflarghlflarghlCOFFEE!'

Pyke's discovered some swings at the other end of the park. They're both occupied, so she's pushing instead. It's the lamest consolation prize in the history of playground entertainment. She's conceding defeat with grace, though, and that's to be commended.


'Look, if you don't let me have a go I'll stove your skull in with a frying pan.'







'PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS! I MEAN- WHEEE!'


'This to-and-fro experience is most stimulating!'







'Has anyvun ever told you vhat a vonderful neck you have? May I have a closer look?'






The woman I don't have an avatar for obliges.

'Why yes, please do. Take as long as you need.'


The world according to Pyke: swinging is analogous to being an aeroplane.

Apparently, If I want to, I can get one of the Crombies to influence Patsy to bite someone's neck. Nooreen's got the most influence so I'll get her to do it. But who should be the victim... hmm...


Say goodbye to your haemoglobins, horrificly ugly woman!


'Hello, Patsy, I've come to you with a question. Catriona tells me you're a vampire. Well, we know this person called Alana Assortment? She's kind of an abomination that should never have walked the Earth? We were wondering if you'd mind giving her a bit of a nip in the neck. Put her out of our misery. Thank you very much.'



'Vhere is this voman, exactly?'







'Over by the swings.'






'The chase is on, my bespectacled friend. Tonight I feast on blood!'








'I hate my life.'






Dawn breaks. before Patsy can get to Alana.


'You vin this time ugly voman. But I vill return one day! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!'







Patsy runs out of the lot and presumably to safety. Which is a shame...


... Because I never wanted to learn that Alana has flowers instead of genitalia.


'Sorry, Larry, I don't know who Brian is.'






'HE'S THE BEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD! HE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW. I'M VERY PROUD OF WHAT I'VE DONE.'






'What's your proudest achievement then?'






'I LEARNED HOW TO RIDE MY BICYCLE WITH ONLY ONE PAIR OF STABILISERS.'






'That's not very impressive you know. I've saved hundreds of lives! Well, tens of lives. One life. Probably.'





'I CAN FEEL MY LITTLE HEART BREAKING IN TWO.'







I've had enough of this place. Let's visit Sim Centre South.


'Why are we driving? It's right next door. We could just walk.'






'That's crazy talk, Pyke. We've got to drive. It's the only way to get from one place to another.'





'Everyone else walks... we're the only ones who ever come by car. Come on, let's walk. It's literally ten centimetres away from the park.'





'You're just trying to get the driving seat all for yourself! You can't fool me! If you're just going to cause trouble you can get out and WALK. Like a PEDESTRIAN.'




'But-'






'Let's go already, there's an odd smell of cocoa pops back here.'








This place isn't interesting either.

As soon as the Crombies arrive, they make their inevitable journey to the coffee stand. I'm wondering if I should set up my own stall near where I live. If this game's anything to believe I could be owning my own house within a fortnight.

Looks like Alana followed the Crombies to the park.


... that symbol is known in-game as 'woohoo'. It's a euphemism for sex. It's a testament to the Crombies' apparent chastity that we haven't seen this symbol before now. Seriously, these guys haven't had a single spark of chemistry with anyone they've ever met. I don't know why Nooreen's talking about sex with Alana of all people but I admire her gumption.

On the downside I am now stricken with a series of terrifying mental images.


What are they talking about now? Prostituion? Any brothel employing Alana would go bankrupt before you could say 'small and flaccid'.


In other news, two men are quietly watching Catriona as she wracks with sobs and wails. Brandon does his usual 'appear in the background' thing. He's been doing a lot of that during the Crombies' outings. Weirdo.

'I just want some alcohol! SOMEONE GIVE ME AN IRISH COFFEE BEFORE I LOSE THE WILL TO LIVE!'






DOINK.

'Did someone mention coffee?'







'Hi, Harriet. Jack said you saved him from Nathen. We'd all like to thank you for that.'





'Yes, thanks, it would be a shame if he died. I suppose.'






'Not a problem. Just doing my job.'









'CLOUDHEAD. CLOOOOOOOOUDHEAD!'







Blonde men with magnificent lower jaws can be so cruel.


Catriona always gets excited when clouds go in front of the sun. It's almost sweet.

Miss Crumpelbottom's made an appearance. What could she be doing here?


That poor man.


Nooreen is lambasted for having the audacity to want to use the public shower. Highly immoral. What an evil looking woman.


'If you so much as expose a toe I will FUCK YOU UP, young woman!'


'Catriona! Pyke! Heeeeeelp! An insane old woman's trying to kill me! And my arm's trapped... somehow...'






'We'd help you out, Noo-na, but we're busy with other stuff.'






'Don't hog the soap!'






Nooreen eventually wrenches herself free and angrily goes back into the park. Where she turns her frustration on me.


'Where's all the fucking SEX?!'






Hey, I'm sorry okay? You've all just turned out to be as frigid as Buddhist monks with as much charm and allure as a serial tortoise molester. There's nothing I can do! I've tried to get you guys to mingle with other people, but nothing's clicked! Making you guys have sex involuntarily would be cheating.

'Couldn't you break the rules just once?'







'Pleeeeeeeease?'






No, it would damage the artistic integrity of the project.

'We fucking hate you.'






That's enough fourth wall breaking for one day. It's time to take these girls home.


I do believe Nooreen's been reading That Book too much. I can't be 100% certain, but I think she's proposing a threesome to Catriona.

KA-THUNK.

Whatever Catriona's answer was, Nooreen didn't like it.


Pyke's discovered where I put the computer and is trying out her new game.


'Another bloody fire?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!'

Jack returns from another tiring night of disc jockeying and immediately starts napping on one of the park benches. I'm getting bored of the Crombies persistently doing this. They regain barely any energy while napping on a couch or bench so they end up staying there for ages which is really, really boring. I resolve to replace the benches with something less irksome.


Like easels! Sorry, Crombies, but I'm not allowing you to scare the locals by lounging in front of your house in the middle of the night any more. If you really don't want to sleep, you can do some painting instead.

Well, that's that sorted!

Wait.


'Bowling's not so awesome.'

Pyke's random nap counter: 5