Day Twenty-Five

The cactus must be protected at all costs. I have assigned two gnomes to this vital duty. May God be merciful on your small ceramic souls.



The lift has broken! I order Nooreen to repair it.



SMACK IT WITH A SPANNER, NOOREEN.


In the mornings, Catriona always enjoys her cornflakes and milk, laced with whiskey. And gin. And vodka. And that bottle no one knows what it is because the label burnt off.



I think we're faced with full blown addiction here. She's forever going to need that last sherry... I should get her some kind of professional help. I've tried moving the mini bar closer to the instruments, so maybe that'll stop sims coming in here and never getting more than one step away from the door.



'And now on What Not To Wear, we meet a woman who goes to work everyday wearing bright orange high-heeled shoes!'

'Boy have we all made that mistake.'


'Hey, there's musical instruments in here!'

She completely ignores them . Then returns to the mini bar again and again and again... until I remove it. Now THAT'S intervention!



'MY BOOZE! MY PRECIOUS BOOZE!'






'Dude, there are drums in here!'






'Are the other mini bars still in the house?! Do we have any turpentine?! Just in case?'





'It's gone! That's very strange.'






'Oh God, I'm getting the shakes!'







Oh, Pyke you sad little thing. A tip jar? No one tips the drummer.


'Drums! Smashy-smashy!'


Butterfingers.


'What the hell is that on the floor?'






'I got myself some cocoa pops and glued them together to make a little cocoa pop man. He's soaking in milk for now, but soon I'm going to eat him up for breakfast. That is the way of the cocoa pops warrior. Live fast, die breakfast.'




'Can you drink it?'






'Drink it? I suppose so-'






'CAN IT BE FERMENTED?'






'No, I wouldn't think so...'






'Argh, I'm going crazy! I know! I'll have a bath. That'll take my mind off things.






Catriona exits.

'... My hand's stuck.'





Later:



'Um, I don't think she wants to talk to you. She's afraid you'll murder her or something like that. I dunno.l. I wasn't paying much attention.'





'I must have her, you understand me? Even if I have to kick down your front door and chainsaw you all to death. She is vital to my collection. Give her the phone - the time for playing is over.... I know where you live.'





'... Hold on a second.'







'There's someone on the phone for you.'






'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET OUT!'







Instead, Jack stands in front of the toilet, occasionally twitching. He wants to use the toilet - but not while Catriona's in the room. Quite the quandary. I think we should hold another party. Jack, grab the phone! We're going to invite some folks over.

I grab the six most recognisable names from the list, and cross my fingers. As it happens, only one guest turned up.


Wanda Tinker graces us with her odd presence once again.

'That, right there. That's a purdy door. Don't you close too quick now, I'm a gonna lick you good and proper.'


Yoink.

Pyke's got a uniform! I'm so proud!


Maybe I'm wrong here, but when Jack invited Wanda over I don't think he used the words 'Walk straight into my house, then go to the fridge and steal our crisps.'


For Pete's sake!

'Oh, uh, h-hi, Nathen. Catriona didn't want to take the call, um, she was busy, and sort of emphatic that she didn't want to talk to you anymore.'





'The more I hear you flap that useless jaw of yours, the more I hear you asking me to take your limbs instead. Do you want me to take your limbs. Because that can be arranged. I've got lots of space for lots of limbs.'





'I'll go get her. But she's not going to be happy.'






'Run along, little man. I'll be waiting.'







'Everyone around here's the exact same height. It's sort of strange, actually...'






'Chainsaws, Jack. Chainsaws.'







*gulp*







'Winnie the Pooh! I knew you were real! So many questions- oh it's you.'







'There's no escape. I will get you. One day.'







'Right, that's it. I'm calling the police. All these threats of dismemberment were quite upsetting, but now it's just mean. Fuck off!'





'Until next time... hahahahaha... HAHAHAHA-' *CLICK*







'Jack, you told me it was Winnie the Pooh!'






'Now, now don't get mad at me, I was just- what's that voice?'







'That there clock sure is purdy, I'd love to take that momma home and sing to her aaaaaall night!'






'Now, now sonny, don't you cry. I brought some home-fried cat I scraped off the road last week for your party. A bit thin, but there's some good eatin' in there to be sure.'





'Catriona twanged me with an elastic band.'






'I've got a rule against being tricked into talking to mass-murderer perverts. You crossed the line.'





'But on the EAR?!'






'That's one purdy little ear, that is. Red like a strawberry, I could just eat it up.'






'...'








'Pretend to smile. Jack, why did you invite HER here?'






'I invited almost everyone. She's the only one who came.'






'A party sure does beat smelling your socks for the whole afternoon!'






'Would it help if I told you you were pretty?'






'No.'






'Why, I think you're purdy too, I could just take you home and lick that nice long hair of yours until my tongue was raw.'






'I want her out of this house NOW.'







Wanda does not like blue blobs.


'There's that purdy ear again, I'd just love to give that darlin' little thing a nibble-'






'Uh, listen, Wanda, Catriona wants to um... work... so maybe you could go upstairs or something until she's finished? I'll be with you as soon as I can.'





Wanda leaves the room. Disappointed with the arrival of only one party guest, I get Catriona (who is by far the most successful Crombie socially) to invite a whole bunch more over. It's still a case of throwing as many names against the wall to see what sticks, but it's the best I can do.


'I sent Wanda upstairs, she thinks I'll be going up there in a moment, but there's not a chance in Hell I'm- my crisps! Where are my crisps?!'





'As long as she leaves eventually, I'm happy. I've invited some more people. As long as no one uses the lifts, we won't have to deal with her... hold on a second. MY BOOZE IS UPSTAIRS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!'





'I'm sorry. I could make us some more cocoa pops?'







'Oops. I always forget to take the spoon out of the bowl.'







'My cocoa pops! MY LITTLE CHOCOLATE-COVERED BABIES.'






'Have these walls always been green?'





Blah blah sprinklers blah blah water everywhere blah blah consternation blah blah blah.

Two of Catriona's invitees have arrived!


Harriet and Scott enter through the side door for no obvious reason.

'It's just like I remember it.'







'There'd better be plenty of hot chicks to score around here! I haven't had my wicked way with anyone since- well- yesterday!'





Scott had yet ANOTHER affair, folks. This time with the as-yet still unseen Jack Webster (yes, a man) who lives in the same neighbourhood. We need to get this guy a portable cold shower or something.

'Anyone home! Where are all the girls?!'







'Well, I'll be! What an odd little game! Sure beats counting my fleas!'


'AARGH! Jack, you smell like something that's died! Why's there water all over the floor? What's going on here?'






'There's water on the floor! We're all DOOMED!'






'Have some compassion! I burnt my cereal!'






'Let's leave them to it.'







'What are you doing?'







'I- I'm not certain.'







Even if there turn out to be no hot chicks, Scott resolves to find something valuable to compensate. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most morally bankrupt judge you are ever likely to meet.

Nooreen returns home from work.


'Where's Catriona? Shouldn't she be here?'






'She was angry because I let the guests go upstairs and she locked herself in the bathroom.'





'BOOZE! WHERE'S MY FUCKING BOOZE?!'






'And she wants her booze.'





There's something wrong with that image...


That's one hell of a paper cut. On closer inspection, it turns out to be the bills. Nooreen took them out of the mailbox without any instigation on my part! Neat! Naturally, this is completely pointless because sims never actually pay the bills themselves.

I tell Nooreen to get right on that.


'Don't you worry about a thing, little box, I'm not gonna hurt ya! I'm going to dress you up real purdy and stroke your little face.'


'...'







'...'







'...'







'... That's one purdy dress you've got there missy, why I could just look at it until I was nothin' but a bag of bones on the floor.'






'That's very flattering, I'd better be going-'







'Don't move an inch, girl. I told you I ain't done lookin'! Don't make me use the knife!'







Another enthralling moment from The Exciting Adventures of Nooreen.


'Catriona, I really want to use the bath. I've got mushrooms in my armpits!'






'Use the other fucking one! I'm trying to drink Cillit Bang here!'






'But... SHE'S up there.'






'And whose fault is that? There's no booze down here! Leave me alone!'







'Please let me go! I don't want to play pool!'







'The box says play on, missy. You keep on pottin' them there balls. I got both my eyes on you.'







This image requires a little bit of explaining. Scott has just noticed Nooreen and is much enamoured by her. So here he is giving her a long lustful stare. But he's doing it in the doorway, so he is in fact appreciating her severe, uncompromising beauty through a wall.

Oddness.



'Hey, Nooreen, long time no see. You come here often?'







'Yes, it's where I live.'






'Your beauty reminds me of spinning tops... always prettier when in motion?'







'Not sure I know what you mean.'






'Talking about spinning tops just seemed like the natural way to strike up conversation... not sure what came over me.'






'I've got two tickets to the local recycling centre if you're interested. They're going to be decontaminating plastic bottles.'







'Well that sounds wonderful except that I'd rather remove a plastic bottle from someone's anus than go out with you. In fact I had to do today. Sometimes I hate being a doctor.'




'Well, uh, ah, er, maybe you can help me! I had my anus violated just the other day! Twice actually!'






'Goodbye, Scott. I've got things I need to do.'







'Aw gee, I think I screwed this up.'







'Just go... I'm not interested. Not. Interested.'






Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

The Exciting Adventures of Nooreen: Part Two.


Jack has, meanwhile, decided to brave the first floor and make a break for his bathroom. The symbol above his head indicates he's not happy that the party was a failure. Poor guy.


Uh oh. I think she can smell him on the wind.


'I've been playing pool for the last five hours! My arms feel like they're going to fall off! Let me go!'






'Well, alright then little missy but I'll be seein' you again real soon! I'm gonna head home and give the box a bath. Won't he just look darlin'?'





Wanda leaves.

I think it's time for another night out! Pyke's not back from work, so she'll have to sit out of this one.


'Nooreen, I was going to drive this time!'






'I didn't expect you would be coming. Jack says you've been in the bathroom all day.'





'I'm feeling better now, OK? I just needed something to take the edge off.'






'You didn't drink my Ajax did you?! That's expensive!'






'It did the job though! The excruciating stomach cramps are really distracting me from my dire need for alcohol.'





'Hey, look, I think Harriet's coming too.'






CRUNCH.

'Hello, everyone.'







'MMF!'






'Look, here comes Scott too!'






CRUNCH-SNAP.

'MMF!'






'MY BONES!'






'Huh?'







'Let's just get a move on. Christ.'







Pyke returns home to find a recorded message.

Dear Pyke,

If you're wondering why we left you a message in the bath, it's because it's your turn to clean it! We have all gone for a fun night out. Remember it's also your turn to clean the sink too, and the toil"%£&"!*@ ERROR ENCODING AUDIO RECORDING @!&£(&nd I think that's everything. Have a good evening!

-- Nooreen


Nooreen will smite anyone who attempts to stop her from visiting THIS gallery.





'But we just got here! If you had stuff to do, why didn't you go home before we came here? Your house is only next door. Now you're going to walk the ten miles we just drove to go back?'




'In a word... yes.'







Scott makes his exit.


This is what I'm talking about! The Crombies are actually LOOKING AT THE FUCKING PICTURES this time round.

'Isn't it amazing the way the bananas complement the grapes? These paintings are fantastic!'





'I dunno, I only came in case that creepy Wanda tried to follow me home.'







'I think this painting over here speaks to me on a whole new level. Its startling simplicity and rich colour scheme perfectly-'





'Are there any steep ledges I can throw myself off of?'







'Catriona, I'm being bored to death! I- I need coffee!'







'There there.'







?!


'It's a bridge.'

Eventually tiring of the paintings, Nooreen inspects the bookshelves. I think we all know where this is headed.


'It's legitimate literature!'






'TV in an art gallery? I'M IN LOVE.'







Are you OK, Catriona?'







'I am bored and alcohol-deprived, I'm being stalked by an insane limb marauder, and I spent twenty minutes in a car being sat on by two people.'





'So you're upset?'







'I HATE EVERYTHING. I'm going outside for some fresh air.'






Nooreen is rapt in her silence.


'I like saf-'






'Wheesht, you're going to run that sorry excuse for a joke into the ground.'






'Sorry. So what is this then? Referencing the joke makes this meta-humour? And my referencing that, does that make it meta-meta-humour? How long does it go on for? When does it end? I'm confused.'




'My head hurts.'






'Me too.'






'Woah.'







'Jack, did you hear about my promotion? I'm a campaign manager now! I get to write the pamphlets instead of delivering them! I'm on the up and up!'





'So what's the campaign about? What's the policy?'






'You've lost me.'






'Well, what does your candidate stand for? What change are they going to bring to SimNation?'





'I have no idea! I've just been writing things like "He's cool" and "You should vote for him because he likes white chocolate".'





'But he's highly lactose-intolerant. I sent him to the hospital just the other day because he had anaphylactic shock from- oh no!'





'I had to make him eat it all otherwise people would think I was a liar. Don't judge me!'





'Isn't this nice. Just four friends sitting about, enjoying some hot dogs, talking about stuff...'







'Actually, I only consider Jack and Nooreen to be my friends here. You're going to have to work a bit harder before I'll consider you one.'





'But... but I thought you liked me.'







'By my count, we've only got a relationship rating of twenty-seven. I'm sorry, but that's not enough to be my friend. Maybe you should buy me flowers or something.'




'Friendship isn't something you buy! It's something that blossoms and blooms over the time spent together! Has our time together meant nothing to you?!'






'I had to fill my mouth with as many jelly babies as possible. It was quite fun.'






'Yeah, and now we're best friends forever.'






'You got to put them in your MOUTH? I had to-'






'Wheesht.'







'You're all gay.'






That's enough culture for one night, I think. Let's send these guys home.


'Can we stop for ice cream?'






'We are stopped. In fact, we're back home.'






'So we can have ice cream?'






'We don't have any ice cream left.'






'This development has left me feeling hollow and apprehensive about the future.'






'I'm out of here. I've been insulted enough for one night.'







'Shit, I'm lost.'

Harriet heads up to the first floor, Catriona goes to bed.


Greetings are a staple ingredient of amicable communication.

Nooreen and Jack then go to sleep. In different beds, if you're wondering.


Pyke and Harriet are having a cosy chat in the jacuzzi. Harriet's talking about pets, but not for very long because-


'Oh And By The Way I Got A Promotion Just In Case You Didn't Know I Thought I Might Tell You.'

I just love the daft expression on her face in this picture.


'And all the time she was threatening me, she kept licking the cube-thing. It was really creepy.'






'Aw man, I don't even want to know!'







'Leaving so soon?'







'I'm getting quite sleepy, and JESUS CHRIST WHAT AM I WEARING.'






Pyke goes to bed, and Catriona and Nooreen have woken up so I decide to let them go on one last trip for the day.


'Where are you dragging me off to now? It's five in the morning!'






'We're going to a restaurant! A really fancy one! You'll enjoy it! Also, all the drinks are non-alcoholic so no problems there.'





'Neat. OK then. Let's go...'








Swanky.

It's been a while since it was just a night out with Catriona and Nooreen.


And Harriet, apparently.

'How did you get into the car without me seeing you?'






'I didn't want to be left behind, so I grabbed on to the rear bumper before you sped off. I've been dragging behind for the last twenty miles.'






'Is that... bone?'







'But you only live a few houses away from us! Why would you come all the way here only to leave the moment we get here?! It's insane! It's ludicrous! It's- aaaaargh!' THUMP.




Nooreen prods Catriona's motionless body with her foot for a moment.

'Catriona, get up. I'm hungry.'







'Hello there, and welcome to Bernard's Botanical Diner! I'm Bernard and, if, you will allow me, I will direct you to your seat!'






'That's interesting, Bernard's usually a man's name.'






'I am a man.'







'Oh.'






'Larry! Are you here? If you're hiding, I forgive you for eating all your crayons!'








'This is your seat! It's FANTASTIC!'







'Thanks...'







'Hello, sunshine of my day! I am Lydia, and I will be your overenthusiastic waitress for the day. What would you like?'






'I haven't really had much time to read the menu yet-'






'The vichyssoise is particularly fine today! Perhaps you would like chef's choice?'







'That sounds nice I guess.'






'I'll get you something to drink! Every day at Bernard's Botanical Diner is a day well spent!'







'No rainwater, please!'






Later...

'Your meal is ready! Bon appetite!'







CLONG.

'Groffhldgrbgrburk!'







Ah, excellent, I'm famished! I'll just finish my drink first. Got any ketchup?'








What the fucking hell is this? This woman just stole Nooreen's food before she could even lift the fork. Who designed this game?! I wouldn't be so annoyed, but Nooreen's hunger bar is deep in the red. She could literally die of starvation if she doesn't get served quickly.

I'm sure a night out for a meal in a fine restaurant hasn't ever been that urgent in real life.


Catriona has convalesced from her breakdown and has been given a table at the other side of the restaurant. I'd have preferred it if she'd been seated with Nooreen, but, alas, it appears this too was beyond the developers.

'Hello! We serve the best food in all of SimNation, perhaps even SimContinent! In fact, I honestly believe that the food we serve here is on a par with the heavenly ambrosia of the GODS.'





'I'd like the chef's choice please.'






'Absolutement!'








'Today's special is gazpacho soup!'







Sometimes I really hate this game.


I like to imagine a whole series of pig snuffling noises going on while Catriona eats. She's not the classiest of patrons.


I thank the heavens that up-skirt shots are not rendered.

Nooreen eventually gets another meal served for her, and this time she gets to eat it. I think the most offensive thing about all this is that she'll still have to pay for the first platter. It's so unfair.


Here's a fresh low. Not only is Catriona gathering all the dirty dishes in the restaurant, she's going to wash Nooreen's too. Sigh.


I call this picture Catriona Is Bad At Darts. One day it'll earn me millions at the Tate. Just you wait. You'll see. Oh yes.

Well, that's enough time staying around this place. Let's get them back home.

To conclude this mammoth of a day, let's take a quick look at what all the Crombies' wants and fears are.

Catriona first:


Wants: influence someone to put soap in a fountain; have a party; ask sim on outing; freestyle for tips

Fears: be rejected for asking sim on outing; be rejected for slow dance; be photographed

'Influence someone to put soap in a fountain? What does that even mean?'






'I just want someone to put soap in our fountain, and if need be, I'm prepared to hypnotise them to do it.'





'We have a fountain?'






'And what's freestyling for tips?'






'I don't know. But I want to do it.'






I've no idea what freestyling for tips is. I'll find out later.

Jack next:


Wants: slow dance with sim; ask sim on date; influence someone to talk to another sim; influence someone to entertain another sim.

Fears: be rejected for slow dance; Tucker is sprayed by a skunk; be rejected for dance.

'What kind of lame want is "influence someone to talk to another sim"? That's the most boring want in the history of wants.'





No, it'd be cool! I'd be all "Hey, Catriona, you wanna talk to Nooreen," and then she'd be all "I'm not sure," and then she'd be "Oh, OK then," and then they'd talk! THEN I'd say, "Hey, Catriona, why don't you entertain Nooreen?" and she'd be all "Yes, I think I will," and then there will be HOT LESBIAN SEX.'



'...'






'Laaaame.'






Nooreen next:


Wants: gain a mechanical skill point; gain a cleaning skill point; gain a logic skill point; dance with sim.

Fears: be photographed; be rejected for slow dance; Tucker is sprayed by skunk.

'If I earn enough skill points, I'll get a promotion!'






'I like skill points more.'







'I can't help but notice that both you and Jack are afraid of some dog being sprayed by a skunk. What's with that?'





'TUCKER IS GOD. WORSHIP HIM. WORSHIP HIM.'






'Aw man, I'd heard there were mind-controlling animals around this area, but I didn't think we'd have to deal with them so soon. Pyke, where do we keep the antidote?'





Wants: gain a skill point; stargaze through telescope; buy a birdcage; talk with Jack.

Fears: Tucker is sprayed by skunk; Pepper is sprayed by skunk; Grace is sprayed by skunk.

'WORSHIP THEM. WORSHIP THEM.'






'Shit.'






'You want to talk to me, Pyke? About what?'






'I wanted to tell you YOUR WANTS ARE LAME.'