The Crombies: Day Twenty-Three

As a point of interest, I thought I'd share a glimpse of the neighbourhood that the Crombies live in.

The large building in the bottom left corner is the Khyber Kingdom.

The building nearest Stonehenge (eh?) is Scott's house. Across the road from Scott's house is an uninhabited yellow building.

Next door to Scott is Rainbow Cottage, inhabited by the Crombies we've come to know and love. Next door to the cottage is the Chumbles' abode. We've only met Bart and Brychan from there. Maybe we'll see others too at some point.

Across the road from the Crombies is the Assortments' home. Their house is as strange as they are. Across from the Chumbles is Jack Webster's house. We haven't met Mr Webster yet. Maybe we will later?

Next door to the Assortments are two houses. The house with the large triangular roof is Rum Hall where Harriet lives. The other house belongs to the Cauliflowers and the Ploops.

I've decided to build two new extensions to Rainbow Cottage. First of all, I have devised a new room which I call... the fashion room!

A room for all things fashionable! Which kind of only amounts to three things. Still! A worthy cause I feel, for moving needless objects out of the green and blue bedrooms.

The second room is a new bathroom for the second floor. Communal showers are its most novel feature.

I'm quite proud of it. If you look closely, you can see one of the Bears of Judgement just peeking over the top of the second-floor roofs.

He's watching YOU.

Enough of this house-building malarkey though, let's see what the Crombies are up to.

... Well, they're sleeping for the most part. Except Pyke.

'Ah, my little army strikes fear into the heart of the enemy. Go, bishops, go! Hit them with your sceptres! Dream that dream! Fight that fight!'

Nooreen wakes up and decides that some early-morning bowling is just the thing for starting your day.

Her incendiary gaze frazzles the skittles before she's even bowled.

Oh lord, I hadn't realised her social bar was so low. The Social Bunny has decided to pay us a visit, and just like last time it's the same colour as her hair.

What? I like consistency.

Pyke is unaware of the disturbing rabbit's return though.

'zzz... zzz... wha- eh? *SNORT* WARHOL WAS A FUCKING OPPORTUNIST-*snort* zzz... zzz...'

'Oh shoot! I've just remembered! You're not supposed to prescribe placebos for people wanting morning-after pills! I'm such a silly.'

... Have you been good this Easter?

Catriona's awake and makes boozing her first priority. I think she's becoming a bit of an alcoholic, perhaps I should remove these mini bars-

'No! Not my booze!'

Wow, she's even breaking the fourth wall to protect her obsession. That's like, one of the Signs, you know?

I can hear flies buzzing, but I don't see any abandoned dishes anywhere...

Wait.

... OK... moving on. Jack's got a phone call!

'Nemo, how are you?'

'I'm in a wonderful frame of mind, old chap. I was just here indulging myself with some grapes and cheese, wondering whether to write an essay on the value of spiritualism when I thought: I should call that Jack fellow, I'll bet he'd have some interesting input. Tell me, good man, what do you think of Nietzsche?'

'Bless you.'

'Good jest, sir! But in all sincerity: what is it all about? Life...'

'Smooching, I think. I'd say everything boils down to smooching. My first smooch was with a mop.'

'What?'

'Don't worry, I hadn't been cleaning with it, so it wasn't gross!'

'I, uh, see... look maybe I shouldn't have called, we're both busy men with business needing attended-'

'It was the best smooch in the woooooooooooorld!'

'But we agreed it would be best just to remain as friends. It would only get complicated what with the ironing board and all. Nemo? Nemo?'

Oh, King Maurice, you lead such an untroubled existence. You've got your banana, and no one can take it away from you.

This is Pyke sleeping with her eyes open. And a broken neck.

'Sugary, brightly coloured cocktailssss... my precioussss...'

The Crombies only ever enter the music room for the mini bar. Maybe if I move it to another part of the room they'll pay more attention to the instruments...

There we are. If this also fails, I'll just remove the mini bars altogether.

'Jack, I was just drinking an Ultra-Smooth Neuron Blaster when the mini bar moved. I've got to ask - did that really happen or is this all in my head? Like the frogs?!'

'Frogs?-'

'They were twenty storeys high! It was really quite neat.'

Life continues to be shitty for Pyke.

'Is it my imagination or is it raining in here?'

'It's not raining in he-'

'You can be honest with me, man, come on! We've known each other as long as I can remember!'

'We have?'

'Yes! All of us! We all grew up together! You, me, Pyke, Nooreen-'

'Oh, Catriona, you're being very strange! If it wasn't for all the talk of indoor rain I'd say you were retconning our lives!'

'Catriona, I feel weird...'

'Don't worry it happened to me too! Just RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX...'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!'

FLUMP.

'That was odd.'

Bright eye... burning like menace...

Meanwhile, Catriona's got a phone call.

'Hello, who's there? Is it?'

'...'

'It... it couldn't be!'

'IT JUST COULDN'T!'

'SANTA?!'

'What, no, I'm not Santa. It's me, Nathen!'

'H-hi Nathen... I can't see you, I'm too busy... chopping... limbs.'

'What?!'

'GOT TO GO BYE.'

'I remember when you were yellow, rabbit-dude! You were so much funnier back then!'

'Catriona... did you just see a giant rabbit walk out that door?'

'No, I'm too busy fixing the microwave... it smells strange in here... fucking COCOA POPS EVERYWHERE. Why do you ask?'

'... No reason...'

'But if you do happen to see a giant rabbit, tell him I'm going to mess him up.'

'I... I think I need a friend.'

Aww...

Jack remembers his dalliance with the cards all those nights ago. Good times, good times.

'SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M GOING INSANE!'

Either that's food in Catriona's bowl or she's just thrown up. It could go either way.

'Maybe you should get Nooreen? She knows all about this psychological stuff.'

'Good idea... that's a good idea...'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEN!'

'She's not in the fridge, Pyke.'

'I guess I'll never lose this rabbit... where could she be?!'

'I'll go and get her for you. And remember to get ready! I'm taking us all to the Khyber Kingdom tonight! They've got these amazing lights...'

NOOREEN XVI: THE BLOODSPILLER

COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU.

'So, Pyke, Catriona tells me you've been seeing giant rabbits.'

'Yeah... I just don't know what to do! I'm so depressed... my self esteem's at rock bottom at the moment.'

'Pyke, I think the reason you've been seeing giant rabbits is that you're in dire need of some social interaction. You've not been talking much, so you've envisaged this 'rabbit' to fill the gap.'

'Yeah, maybe...'

'Just you remember we're all your friends here and we love you very much.'

'Thanks, Noo-na, I feel a lot be-'

'Fucking hell, you stink worse than Mrs Cauliflower with her bowel disorders.'

'Oh, uh-'

'Wow, do you sure STINK REAL BAD.'

'But-'

'I'm surprised it hasn't set off the sprinklers! I can barely breathe due to the overpowering death-smell that you are exuding.'

'I'm... going away now...'

'Pyke, before you have your bath, I just needed to let you know how god-awful you smell! It's really, really horrible!'

'FUCK OFF!'

It's time for another relaxing dip into the burning passions of That Book.

She reclined on the sofa and watched him undress.

His strong, firm muscles stood out beneath his tight white vest. They almost seemed to gleam in the soft yellow light filling the room; filled by the candles he had put out especially for her. He took his shirt off to reveal a strong, sensual chest. Slowly, almost teasingly, he unbuttoned his jeans...

OK, it's time to go to the Khyber Kingdom again. This time, we're taking everyone!

'Hooray, I've got the driver's seat! Excellent! Wait... I feel odd...'

'AAAAAAAAA-'

I BEQUEATH TO YOU THE POWER OF AVATARS!

'-AAAHHHHHHH!'

'That was weird. Hey, I was going to drive.'

'I never get to drive! I'm depressed and agitated, I need something to help me relax.'

'You- you don't know where the Khyber Kingdom is! I've been there before!'

'It's right down the road, Catriona, I can get us there. Sheesh! Cut me some slack, this is supposed to be a fun night out!'

'This car still smells of wee.'

'...'

'I feel carsick.'

You know, looking at the picture of the neighbourhood, I have to wonder why they couldn't simply have WALKED to the damn place.

Nooreen's first past the door, and she immediately spots something of interest.

'What the hell is this thing? Catriona was right! GUYS, COME LOOK AT THIS! OH WOW THERE'S MORE!'

'What is this, I have never seen anything like it in my life.'

'I, also, have never seen anything like it in my life. We should look at the others too.'

'I concur.'

'PRETTY.'

'I sense the presence of more lights on the first floor. I will examine them at once. You two scout the ground floor.'

'Compliance!'

'... Whoever built this place clearly had a technology way in advance of our own.'

'I can't believe this place has harnessed such POWER. The technology of light bulbs... it's just awe inspiring.'

'It's a good find, Catriona! These lights are even more amazing than Harriet's front door! It's got HINGES.'

'Woah!'

After thoroughly examining every single light in the ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING, the Crombies eventually start doing saner things. Pyke here is browsing. I'm not sure what she's browsing, I think they look like DVDs or magazines.

'I'm worried about these lights, Nooreen... what if they turn against their masters in an apocalyptic battle for supremacy of the planet?!'

'It could be worse than you think... I believe they're in alliance with the cockroaches!'

'Nooooooo! Wait, that doesn't make sense. Cockroaches hate light!'

'The enemy of your enemy is your friend. We are the enemy.'

'We must prepare for the day of reckoning, Jack. We could be all there is to stand against them.'

'But how? They're too strong! And too many!'

'Peanuts?'

*slap slap slap*

Out of curiosity I order Pyke to buy one of whatever it is she's browsing. It's video games!

BULL. SHIT. There were NOT only two computer games in that rack. Never mind. Looks like I've got a choice between Sim City 4 and a Sims expansion. I guess I'll go for Sim City 4, maybe it'll take their minds off SSX3.

'Do it! Imagine I'm a lightbulb!'

'I... I can't!'

'An unwillingness to fight is a sign of weakness, Jack! You've got to be strong or you'll just be like all the other losers! Me? I'm a winner! I can't tell the difference between gangrene and the common cold but they keep promoting me, because I keep my eyes open and my ambitions high! If there's a war, you can bet I'll be on the winning side.'

'I thought nobody won in wars.'

'That's losers' talk!'

Catriona interrupts.

'Jack, you've got to lend me some simoleons! They've got booze here! BOOZE!'

'Is THAT what that thing in your speech bubble is?'

'It had better be, or I just ordered a lava lamp with no ice.'

We were discussing military strategy, little girl. Do not interrupt again.

'Aieee!'

'I don't really want to get involved with this... I'm going to talk to Pyke.'

'IT BURNS!'

Pyke is talking to Jack all normal like when suddenly she looks right at the camera and postulates that everyone reading this is gay.

Not cool, Pyke. Not cool.

Pyke's doing her 'pretend to drive and beep the horn' thing again. Clearly rubbing it in that she got to drive this time round.

Meep meep.

'I'm sorry I zapped you there, it's totally against the Hippocratic oath. I just got a little carried away.'

'I'll be OK, I think... uh... I don't really feel comfortable talking while... she's there.'

'Who?'

'... Her.'

This woman is called Wanda Tinker according to the game. She's a bit... gormless?

... And sinister?

'Right now I'm heading a campaign for the local councillor, Mr Wheeler? He's a total sleazeball, so my campaign title's going to be 'Mr Wheeler: not as sleazy as everyone thinks!' I think it's a real winner.

'I went to jail once.'

'That's... lovely. Um. Why?'

'I ate my dog.'

Meanwhile...

'Hmm... do I like trains...'

Dude likes his shoes.

'Remember that time I watched you wet yourself? Ah, we'll be laughing at that one for years...'

*sniff*

Catriona finally gets her alcohol, served by this lady with the odd haircut.

Jack visits the public toilets to give himself a good sponge bath. I still think this is a weird habit, but hey, if he must. At least he's got the good grace not to disturb anyone.