Day Twenty-Four

MUST... BUILD... MORE ROOMS...




Rainbow Cottage now has a gym with en suite shower room! The gym has every single exercise machine I could lay my hands on. When I had to deal with the uncomfortable truth that part of the room was completely empty I did what anyone would do in my situation and bought a rug.



A gigantic cactus fills the enclave quite nicely, I think.



Yet more rec room buggery. I don't know why I feel I need to relay almost every single change I make to the house. Completion's sake, I suppose? It's not like anyone's going to say 'that light fitting wasn't there before! I'm not reading THIS anymore!'

I also decided to remove the million pillars underneath the music room. They were getting in the way of my shots!


Catriona's made some little brown squares, and there's enough for EVERYONE! Life is always happy here at the Crombies'! It's very much like living with the Waltons if the Waltons were half-crazed, manic depressive, and computer-generated. And had crappy cooking skills.



'Oh, Nooreen... I'm feeling rather good today.'






You're... you're in a good mood? What did those quacks at the science labs DO to you?!'





'Nothing, really! I'm just feeling happy for some reason.'






'Pyke...'






'There may or may not have been studies into the side-effects of a new opiate. And I may or may not have been entering the study under five different names. It's utterly irrelevant.'




'Well, if you're sure...'






'HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT ELEPHANT FLY PAST?! IT WAS COVERED IN BAVARIAN FOLK BANDS!'






'Whatever. Catriona nearly made me widdle myself last night! I had to trick her into leaving the bathroom by telling her Jack was eating her teddy bears.'





'Ah, I was wondering why there was a viper in my bed this morning. What are you two ladies talking about?'





'Stop moving about so fast! You're giving me a headache!'






'But I'm not moving anywhere.'






'I'm talking to the room!'






'Your square is bigger than mine. Explain.'






'It's not true!'






'It is! That square's practically rectangular!'






'You're imagining things!'






'Says you, Mona Lisa! Why would I believe a painting? You don't even have eyebrows!'





'No eyebrows- Mona Lisa- whaaat?'







'It matters not! I want to talk about the time I wet myself. AND BECAME KING OF ALL DALMATIANS.'





'I think we'd rather talk about something else-'






'You're the prettiest hairdryer I've ever seen!'







'International plums! I heard they're banning all hats!'






'Say it ain't so!'






'Jack, what are we going to do? She's quite clearly suffering from adverse biochemical reactions!'





'One thing at a time, Nooreen! She's talking about destroying all the hats! Hats are my all-time second most favourite thing! Aren't you supposed to be the GP around here anyway?'




'I'm only actually qualified to be a nurse. Well, not even that actually. I just ticked "C" for all the multiple choice questions.'





'You... you did know what you were doing when you gave me those pills for my stomach bug right?'





'C is my friend.'






'She's saying they're burning dresses too, now! What the fuck are we going to do?! Everything's falling apart!'





'I'm sure the dresses will be fine.'






'They will all burn! BURN!'






'Catriona! Between you and me, I think Pyke might cause a bit of trouble. She's barking mad!'





'Oh. OK. Let's smash her over the head with a brick and say we found her like that.'





'We can't do that! The last time anyone tried to touch Toffee, Jack tried to eat you!'





'The spork was very cute.'





'The only shoes remaining will be clogs and cheap sandals.'






'NOOOOOO-'





'Perhaps we could drug her coke!'






'It's so crazy it could work! But what if the drug WE use makes her even worse?'






'Who the fuck cares? I've been waiting for an excuse to use this rohypnol again!'






'Again?'






'Don't worry about it, you wouldn't remember the first time.'






'Uh...'






'-OOOOOOOOOOOO-'







'We will administer it with a toy aeroplane! We attach the drugged Coca-Cola to it and fly it right into her mouth!'





'Can't we just give her the can?-'






'We'd need to have opened it. It would look suspicious!'






And flying an aeroplane down her throat isn't? Catriona, I find your arguments spurious and doubtful in their methodology. I suggest a careful and considered approach.'




'But I wanna use the aeroplane! Aeroplane! Aeroplane! Aeroplane!'






'-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'






'Oooooooooookay. But I get to use the controls.'





WHUMP.

'My plane, my rules you purple-wearing whore!'






'So what you're saying is that there might be leeway for thigh-high boots and ballerina slippers in the upcoming footwear apocalypse?'





'I promise nothing to glowing wallabies like you!'







'DEATH. KILL. BLOOD. VISCERA AND BLOOD.'





'The only dresses available will be in bright lime green with pink frills! Ahahaha!'






'Why must you say things that make me cry?'






'I'm going to break your jaw you crazy bitch!'






'MURDER. RAGE. HATE.'





'Right that's it! I've had enough! I'm going to work so I can get someone to reattach my arm.'





'Victory is mine!'







It was at this moment that Jack spotted, nestled safely in the back of Pyke's hair, the likeness of the Virgin Mary.

'I've just realised! I don't even have a toy aeroplane!'

The best laid plans of mice and men...

Pyke goes to work after this, and Catriona wanders up to the second floor and falls asleep on the couch.

Jack meanwhile, finds himself compelled to pay the bills which I had completely forgotten about. While he's out there, the Pykinator catches his attention...


'Hello, little robot.'






*BLEEP* Hello, I am the Pykinator Mk I. Would you like some love? *BLEEP*

'I... I don't know! This is the kind of affection I would only really expect from Toffee! I am wracked with doubt and guilt.'





*BLEEP* The one you call Toffee could never love you as I could with an estimated 78.1% probability. Would you like some love? *BLEEP*

'Yes... Yes, I would like some love.'






*BLEEP* I will tell you a joke. Loading... loading... loading... *BLEEP*


*BLEEP* How many Toffees does it take to change a light bulb? *BLEEP*

'I don't know! How many?'






*BLEEP* None! Because Toffee is too small to reach. *BLEEP*

'Hahahaha! Yeah. I guess he is kinda short.'






*BLEEP* ERROR ERROR ERROR *BLEEP*

Looks like Jack just broke it. I guess he'd better fix the wee thing.


Jack jabs the robot ineffectually with a screwdriver for about an hour before it's fixed.

*BLEEP* My motherboard has never felt so violated. *BLEEP*


Nooreen gets an abnormally large number of these decisions doesn't she? Right, let's look at this... well, if there's nothing wrong with them, might as well turn them away. I don't know a single old person who didn't need to lie down.


Rats! Could've fared worse I suppose. But if they're well enough to picket a clinic they can't be that ill right? I stand by the decision.

Pyke and Nooreen are at work and Catriona's sleeping. I think it's time to throw a party! Jack failed quite epicly at this last time, let's see how he does now.

I'm not sure how one organises a party with a single phone call. Is he telling the person on the other end of the line to do all the inviting? That's both lazy and dangerous in my opinion.


Nemo and Brychan have answered the summons!

'I'm certain he was just using the straightforward ribaldry that's so popular these days... he surely didn't actually kiss a mop?'





'I don't even know why we came! I'm doubting sophistication the closer we get... you think they have Merlots?






'I fear not.'






So this was Jack's plan! As soon as Nemo and Brychan enter the house they are instantly drawn towards the tips jar Jack's not-so-subtly positioned next to the piano. What a scam artist!

After Jack fails to even acknowledge his guests, they go upstairs.



'What is this contraption?'






'It's a bingo machine. The lowest of all forms of gambling.'







'Please tell me these Crombies at least play Bridge now and again?!'






'They're obviously philistines. Did you see that gorilla outside? Did you see what it was holding? Quite obviously a stellar example of the repulsive idea that anything phallic is amusing.'





'I need a cigar.'






'Heh heh heh- er- never mind.'






Nemo starts making gestures and thinking of walls so I guess they can't use it where it is. I can't move it though, because they're in the way.


He's determined isn't he? I click yes.


'Catriona! Nathen's on the phone! He says it's important!'






'Tell him I'm busy!'







'She says she's a bit dizzy, but I don't think that'll cause any problems. I'll patch you on through...'





'Noooooo!'









'Biggles, no! You've got to cut the rope somehow! Wow, this is exciting. I should read books straight from the middle more often.'

Jack fails at parties.


'Look, Nathen. I'll say this as simply as I can: I don't want to see you or hear from you ever again. You're insane and I don't want you near me or my limbs.'





'I see... you discovered my project.'







'Yes, and I want no part of it! You keep away from me!'






'I would have immortalised you as a set of quoits hobs. You think about that. And if you change your mind and realise the true significance of my art then you can come round to my new house! I rebuilt it from the bones of women I, ah... collected.'




'Brr... don't ever come near me again!' *CLICK*





The phone rings again, the moment Catriona hangs up.

Pyke's still at work, so I click no. Naturally, Pyke returns within a matter of seconds later.


OH. MY. HEAVENS.




'Toffee, we're going to be together forever aren't we? Look, I made us a picture so we'll always remember each other in case something ever... happened... but it won't! Because I love you, Toffee! I LOVE YOU!'


Wow, it's actually been quite a while since anyone set fire to the microwave hasn't it? Kitchen appliances bursting into flames shouldn't be this nostalgic.


'Flames! Flaaaames!'






'Somebody! Anybody! Save us! Save uuuus!'






'Heeeelp!'






'Did you hear something?'





*BLEEP* Negative, mistress Pyke. *BLEEP*

'Yeah... me neither.'







'Catch the ash! We've got to wish the fire away!'






'Fire! Fiiiiiire!'






'Wait, this isn't ash! It's burnt cocoa pops. Jack...'






'We've all got to have a bowl. The monkey on the TV told me.'






'Is that the fire alarm I hear? What a frightful bore.'


Maybe that wasn't the most ideal choice of door for a bathroom.

As ever, the sprinklers quickly put out the microwave causing a huge puddle on the floor. Naturally, this sends Catriona and Jack into conniptions of horror.


'There is water all over the floor! This is so much worse than death by immolation!'





'I just wish things could be like they used to! Why does this happen to me?! WHY?! WHY?!'







'What ho, good chaps, is there anything wrong? I thought I heard the fire alarm.'






'I don't deserve this! I am not a bad person!'






'I want my mummy!'






'... I don't suppose a little chat about post-communism would lighten the air? Would it? Please?'






But I thought she'd lost her wages for the day? *much head scratching*

'Hey, Noo-na! How are you?'






'Don't make eye contact, Nooreen, just pretend she's not there. Don't bare your teeth and don't let your throat be exposed. You can get through this. Deep breaths... deep breaths.'




'I'm feeling a lot better now! And I got promoted! And they decided to let me near sharp objects again. But I got promoted! No more brain probes for me!'




'You there! The one with the pink hair!







'I'm Pyke. We met at that karaoke bar-'






'This has been the worst party I've ever attended! No eligible young men with cars! No wine! No charades! No bowls of crisps! It's been an utter waste of my time!'





'I didn't know there was a party! I've spent the whole day arranging cards to tell a story!'





'I haven't got the time for this.'







'For the record: the baby frog totally finds out the true meaning of Christmas.'





'I don't know... I suppose the only hat you could associate with post-communism is the beret.'






'What about pants?'





'... and then Nemo, he says to me, "I haven't seen a single Dostoyevsky since I've been here," and I just couldn't help but think "He is SO right! This place is as uncultured as an inner city slum!"'





'That's hardly fair! I- hey. What's that?'






'What's what?'







...

'I'm going indoors now.'





'This is not an improvement.'






'I couldn't find the bath so I decided to sponge myself down instead.'






'It's right THERE. Where it's ALWAYS BEEN.'






'Golly.'





Anyone wondering where Nooreen's been? Sleeping on the other bench. They love those benches. She has woken up now, though, so let's go have a look.

'The sky is, in my opinion, too big.'

Catriona and Pyke react in disgust to the smell of each other when they bump into each other in the hallway.

Then, for some reason, everyone starts piling into the bathroom.

'Oh man, let me in! Catriona's making the walls mouldy, she smells so bad!'






'I was here first, old girl, sorry and all that.'






'The bath really was here all along... that's just weird.'





'I like safes.'






Oh, joy. More pillow fighting.

'TASTE PILLOW, BITCH!'





Anyone coming here from Google search will be sorely disappointed.


Seriously?

I think it's time to set the bonfire alight. Fare-thee-well innocent panda!

Jack chucks a match in and watches it for about three seconds.


'I wonder if there's anything to eat.'






'AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!'





Not much is happening anymore. Nemo and Brychan have gone to their respective homes, Pyke's wiping up the kitchen floor, Catriona's inebriating herself in the recreation room, Nooreen's asleep, and Jack's rooting around in the fridge.


For no obvious reason, Jack's foregone the microwave in the kitchen (it's not broken - I checked) and decided the only place he could possibly cook his noodles is two floors up.

The blue and green bedrooms look sort of empty now I've stripped them of all their interesting objects. I should try to remedy that.


YUS. Once again my sense of interior design has outdone itself!

After Jack's eaten his fill, everyone goes to bed.

Time passes...

In the meantime, I discover that Nooreen and Jack have earned career rewards! I'm not sure when or how, but somewhere along the line they've done something to merit a special object particular to their careers. Let's look at Nooreen's first.


It's a machine for practising surgery on! I put it in the green bedroom.

You've got to be joking. This is even more blatant than the bubble blower. For shame, Maxis! For shame! I stick it in the blue bedroom.

Nooreen awakens and visits the gym for some early morning exercise.


She wants to have a ride on this weird gyroscopic thingamajig. How do they have THAT in this game, but no washing machines?


'Let's see... I just hold on to these grips... and I press this button here and...'


'HOLY CATFISH!'

The gyroscopic thingamajig spins erratically emitting sparks while Nooreen makes anxious, frightened noises.


'HEEEEELP!'

That's not good.

Nooreen loses control and gets tossed around inside the sphere like a rag doll for a while before being ejected on to the floor.


'That was fun.'

She's alright.

I think it's high time we had another look at our sims' skill points and whatnot.

Catriona first:

Catriona is at the fourth stage of her career.

'I am one awesome campaign manager.'






'An awesome campaign manager with no charisma. Or body points. How do you manage to get anyone to do what you want?'





'Free bourbon biscuits.'






Jack is at the fifth stage of his career.

'The other day I had everyone dancing to the theme music for the Ten o' Clock News.'





'Yeah, but you've got no logic!'






'I don't need logic! It stands to reason!'






'Yeah? Why don't you need logic?'






'Because I don't! That's a valid reason right?'





Nooreen is at the sixth stage of her career.

'My career has advanced marvellously.'






'You've got quite a way to go though. Look at all those mechanical skill points you need to earn!'





'I trust some random everyday decision I make will get me over that hurdle rather than me actually needing to think about it. And I did it all without charisma points too.'




'Pah! I could out-skill you any day!'






'Two body points though, eh? Eh? Rowwr.'





Pyke is at the second stage of her career (at long last).

'Read it and weep! Just look at those creativity points! I have all the talents under the sun! Except charisma.'





'What was that last bit? Didn't quite catch that.'






'Fine, I don't have any charisma either, but science appreciates cold, hard fact! I don't need to smooze my way into promotion, I can make my own way!'





'Yes, we've all seen how your career has just bounded along. How did you get promoted anyway?'





'... Bourbon biscuits.'