Day Twenty-Eight

Nooreen and Catriona are the first up. Catriona heads off to work almost immediately though, so we won't be seeing her again until the afternoon.

'The last full day of my youth... I can't believe I'm going to be an old woman tomorrow. I need to seize the day! I need to LIVE!'





*snort* 'Stop talking so loud... I was having this really nice dream... I was Pacman and I'd eaten all the dots... lemme sleep... gotta eat 'em all over again... fucking ghosts...'




'Today I make no compromises! Nothing's gonna spoil MY day.'







'I wanna have sex with something.'






Nooreen's got the day off work today. I think we should throw a house party to celebrate the coming antiquity of our four heroes.


OK, let's see how many people Nooreen can persuade to visit the Crombie household. Fingers crossed!

'Get the word out! House party at Rainbow Cottage! Drinks are provided, and if you want nibbles, Jack's hidden a few bags of crisps at the back of the fridge. He really thinks sellotaping a piece of paper with 'mouldy cheese' written on it to the packets will fool everyone, I don't know... anyway. Come over as soon as you can! It's going to be really wild!'



'Dude, I love crisps.'






'Hey, get off the line! I'm trying to organise a party!'






'I wanna help. I know how to make this awesome salsa. First you peel a bunch of tomatoes right, and then-'





'I WILL PEEL THE SKIN FROM YOUR ARMS AND USE YOUR BONES FOR GEAR STICKS.'






'Is that you, Nathen?! Fuck off. I didn't invite you! You'd better keep well away from us!'





'I don't want you, I want Catriona... with her body I can create the most devastating space weapon this pathetic little solar system has ever seen... I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD. I'm giving you seven days to hand her over to me or I will kill you all!'




'But if you need Catriona to make this weapon then why would we hand her over? Either we give her to you and you destroy the world, or we don't and you'll... try to kill us again? How's that supposed to work?'




'Uh... hang on a sec I need to think this over.'







'-er but not too much or it overpowers the other flavours; I'm more inclined to the red variety, but I don't suppose it would hurt to include others-'





'I haven't been collecting limbs on this planet for hundreds of years just to be stopped by a bunch of kids - you haven't seen the last of me.'





*CLICK*

'... so anyway, everyone else be here in an hour and we'll have a really nice time. And Pyke? I fucking hate salsa.'





'Aww.'







The first floor toilet didn't take too long to return to its old primordial self. How the hell does this even happen?! Are they shitting while standing up while I wasn't looking? The rest of the house is a bit of a tip too.




Catriona's piss is still on the floor. Lovely.

Hey, excellent! Three out of six visitors is not bad! Nooreen really knows how to reel them in. So we've got Larry, Harriet, and Goopy coming over for a bit of fun. Neat.

'Hallo guys, I'm Goopy, I live over on the other side of Sim City. It's so cool to meet some new people. Did anyone see the X Factor last night?! I thought the talent was awesome.'





'I'M LARRY, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LIVE. I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN TREES FOR A WHILE NOW. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THE X FACTOR, BECAUSE IT COMES ON AFTER MY BEDTIME BUT SOMETIMES BRIAN TAPES IT FOR ME.'





'Uh... so how does Nooreen know you two exactly?'






'We were arguing over whether Westlife or Coldplay were the better band, which is ridiculous because Westlife is so cool, although I quite like Boyzone too.'






'WE'RE GOING TO A PARTY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME HOME. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO PARTIES, BRIAN SAYS PEOPLE WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.'





'Don't be a killjoy, it's gonna be a great party! HEY, maybe we can trade pokemon cards?! I've got Pikachu! I'll give you it for your jacket.'






'THAT SOUNDS FAIR.'







'...'








Nooreen takes to the bowling alley while she waits for her guests. That's all there is to be said about this. Take it or leave it.


Oh, snap! Scott's here too! The temptation of yet another humiliating rejection by Nooreen must have been too much to resist.

'Perhaps if I give her a thousand simoleons she'll let me touch her hair...'








The three partygoers quietly opened the door and inside they could see nothing... just darkness... hear nothing... just a cold, clammy silence. Except... except it wasn't silence. There was someone breathing heavily in there, just beyond sight. Someone, Goopy wondered to himself, or someTHING?

If there was ever some sort of survival horror version of The Crombies, you can bet Goopy would be the first side character to be savaged by some sort of horrible monster. It would be amazing.


'Come back, baby, yeah, let me hold that stick of yours... mmm... you're the sexiest mop I've ever seen... kiss me, baby, kiss me.'






'The broom too? You naughty girl, heh heh heh... zzz...'






'THAT MAN SCARES ME.'







'Just keep on moving, Larry, the lift's through that door. I need to talk to Nooreen. I promise I'll take you to Brian after I'm done here.'






'THANKS, HARRY.'







'Please don't ever call me that.'






Note the hydroponics equipment at the left of the image. Today I want Nooreen and Jack to play around with these new toys of theirs to see what they do. We'll get round to that later though.


Nooreen stops bowling the moment one of her guests is coming to join her. Someone really needs to give some sort of Parties for Dummies manual to the Crombies, because they just don't get it do they?


I was really confused at this point while trying to keep track of where all the guests were. When they came in they all headed to the lift nearest the front door. Then I saw Harriet and Larry heading to the lift at the far end near the gym. But now they're back at the front door again? Goopy's in the recreation room but I cannot for the life of me find Scott even after carefully scanning the whole house. What's going on?


Huh, there he is...

'Have you seen Nooreen? I want to show her my new tattoo! It's a picture of her riding Pegasus inside a big love heart. And underneath it says 'NOOREEN: I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.' It covers the whole of my back and took six agonising hours to complete but I think she'll be impressed.'




'She's downstairs. That's quite hardcore, but you've gotta check out the one on my upper arm! It's a Chinese symbol meaning 'life'. I like to know I'm an individual who isn't just following the crowd, you know? You want to bowl? Or we could watch Big Brother, I brought along all the boxsets just in case anyone was interested.'




'You know, if she says she doesn't want to be with me, I may have to kill myself. I LOVE HER.'







'Pyke, have you seen Nooreen?! Has she mentioned me recently?!'







'Ugh, it's YOU. I thought I recognised your voice. Dude, you've got to give it up already. If you must know, she's already in a relationship with Catriona. They hooked up last night.




'I... but... she's... I got a tattoo!'







'Yeah, I overheard that from outside... doesn't your wife object?'






'She did ask me some questions, yes.'







'And...?'






'And she kicked me in the balls a few times and put superglue on my side of the bed. And she's visiting her mother for a few weeks. I can't think why, it's nowhere near Christmas! But I endured it for Nooreen! My love for her is as pure as a mountain stream!'





'Hey, I know you! You're the judge that sentenced me to community service for playing my Pussycat Dolls album too loud!'






'Even your lawyer was pushing for the death penalty. If anything, I saved you.'







'Whatevs, girlfriend. Whatevs.'








'If you don't manage to hit all the skittles then you're a gay homo, lol.'







'I really don't like you, Goopy. One day, Nooreen will love me, and we'll go far away from all of this, you'll see...'






'Scott, you need to see reason! Find someone else to stalk, you creepy fucker.'







'She's going out with Catriona and there's nothing you can do to change that.'






'OK, listen: if I hit all the skittles then she WILL be mine, and if I don't hit them all I'll... concede defeat. Fair enough?'






'WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CAN I PLAY?'







'Sure. Where's Nooreen? She's the one who organised this party.'







'Crunchy Nut Cornflakes with fresh strawberries and raisins. Now this is what life's all about.'






'... and then they promoted me! I'm a lab assistant now. They even let me turn on the bunsen burners sometimes.'





'GODDAMMIT, THERE WAS ONLY ONE LEFT STANDING!'







'lol, gay.'







'YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL THE LITTLE MEN, I THINK THAT'S CRUEL.'







Oh, it's Harriet! The rec room's actually being used for the purpose it was intended. TOOK THEM LONG ENOUGH.

'I GOT A PROMOTION ONCE.'







'You got a promotion? Wow! I'd actually like to hear more about this.'







'IT SAID I COULD HAVE TWO CHOCOLATE BARS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.'








'I don't care what they say, Nooreen will still be mine... I can almost imagine that this bowling ball is her... I just want to stroke her, FONDLE HER-'






'Someone get him the fuck away from that bowling ball.'







'What... what's he doing to it?!'







'I don't want to watch and yet I can't look away. OH MY GOD MY VIRGIN EYES.'





'I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FUN.'







Later...


'Are you really going to touch it after he-'







'This is a different one, moron. I wouldn't touch THAT one if it was the Koh-i-Noor.'





'Nooreen... love... must have her... Nooreen... burble...'







'I WANT TO GO TO THE MOON.'







'The situation is worse than I ever could have imagined...'








'How am I supposed to make them focus on the Nathen problem when they're all such idiots?'







'If only I knew where IT was... I could get them to look at it. And then they'd remember what has been closed off in their minds all these years. I mean, I can't just tell them, they need to find out for themselves... there MUST be a way.





'THIS BALL IS STICKY I CAN'T GET IT OFF MY HAND.'







'I fucking hate you all! You'll never keep us apart!'







'I hate this mission.'








'WAAAH! GUYS, I CAN'T GET IT OFF SOMEONE HELP ME I'M SCARED.'








'GUYS?'








'GUYS?'









'Taking the rubbish out... it just doesn't get better than this.'







'...'






'...'







'...'






'...'







'... Scott...'






'Honey bear!'







'Don't come any closer.'






'Sweetie Pie!'







'I've got a knee and I'm not afraid to use it.'






'Sugar cake!'







'I mean it! What are you doing here, I didn't invite you to the party I'm ignoring!'






'But I love you! I can't bear the idea of us being apart! Come with me! Now! We were meant to be!'






'I'm not having this discussion Scott. I'm taking this ancient newspaper with me and I am GOING. Do not even THINK about following me.'






Nooreen walks away, leaving Scott staring at nothing but the wall. One, solitary glistening tear runs down his cheek, pools at the bottom of his chin, forming a drop that grows bigger and bigger until it falls, catching the light for a moment on its way to the ground before it hits the carpet and is gone.

Forever.


'PLEEEEASE?'







'FUCK. OFF. Maybe a pan upside the head will show you how much I FUCKING HATE YOU.'






'Hmm? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.'







'Oh, that is IT. I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO SUFFER PAIN SO IMMENSE YOUR EYES WILL COME OUT.'







'RRRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!'





Sometime later after some bandages have been handed out... the phone rings.


'Uh, sure... he's only just got up though so don't expect anything coherent.'






'Ah'm lit'rally lickin' the telephone receiver in anticipation, missy!'







'J-Jack? There's a very disturbing woman on the phone for you. Says her name's Wanda.'






Jack is far more interested in feeding himself than answering the phone however.

'Oh God, please tell her I'm dead or something- what the fuck? Where's my crisps?!





'Heh heh heh.'







'I was growing mould in those bags on some cheese I found. His name was Reggie...'





'I'm sure it's in mould heaven, playing a little mouldy harp as we speak.'






'Do you think so?'






'Glmmf.'








'Shtupid Earth (hic), I dunno why I bother. I've got a green die-mund thing, why should I, should I worry 'bout shavin' the plan- plan- PLANET, huh? Fucking (hic) fucking where's my fucking drink?'






'HELLO MAY I PLEASE USE THE TOILET- HOLY COW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MISTER.'






'...'








I like to imagine that Jack has gathered everyone here to declare who the murderer is in the terrible tennis ball killings.


'HALLO PYKE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO UNIVERSITY?'







'Yeah, man. Seems like such a long time ago... what happened back then?'







[FORESHADOWING]

'It's strange, but I can't really remember much of my time there... man... it's almost as if those memories were being denied to me.





[/FORESHADOWING]



Harriet enters the room and everyone turns their heads except Jack who partially melts through the door.

And what's this? Harriet fancies Scott? The plot, it thickens!


'Seriously, dude, I need to know.'







'How would you a like nice big Goopy hug? If you like we can go through next door and watch the Bratz movie, I hear it's rockin'-'






'I WILL NEVER EVER BE THAT DRUNK.'








'...'







'I'm not saying sorry. You deserved it.'






'...gasp.'








Pyke goes to work.

'This party's been so gay. I never even got to watch my Spice World DVD with anyone.'






'I LOVE SPICES.'








Aww, I didn't think it was that bad.


And with that, the party guests wander off like the sinister hive mind they are. Scott left by a different exit for some reason.

'Hey, Nooreen! I left you a note! Larry, come with me, it's time to take you back home to Brian.'






'HOORAY FOR BRIAN.'







'lol whut.'







'Goodbye... the next time any of you see me I'll probably be old and grey... goodbye sweet days of youth. Goodbye...'






Catriona returns from work and immediately starts painting on the free easel. She's already got a work-in-progress indoors. Greedy girl.


I can't wait. Can you wait? I can't.


Nooreen settles down to read Harriet's note. It's a note because Harriet never actually spoke to Nooreen during the party. My policy of minimal intervention can bite the story I'm trying to construct in the bum sometimes!

Dear Nooreen, It's time I told you who I truly am. I've been hesitant to tell you some of the things I know for a reason that will come clear as you read this letter...

I am Captain Harriet Rum of the Martian Space Agency, a secret agent. I was sent here to track down and either capture or destroy an individual by the name of Nathen Landry. He escaped from a mental institute and fled to Earth where he stranded himself. He's an idiot. He doesn't even know how to spell Nathan properly. But he's also a genius. And extremely dangerous. I managed to thwart his plans to build a spaceship by blowing up his house but it's only slowed him down and I don't know where he is anymore.

He's been trapped on your planet for hundreds of years, taking different bodies over the years to suit his needs. He's been waiting a long time to escape, hating his life here he wants to wreak his revenge on the entire human race. He's going to come after you all soon... all of you are in danger, and especially Catriona. She is the key to his plans. If he gets what he needs from you and your friends then he will destroy the Earth without a second thought. We can't let this happen and only you can stop him!

I can't tell you why you and your friends are the ones to which this is happening. Why? It's a failsafe to prevent external intervention. If I give you too much information your brain will burst like a melon. You need to figure out the answers yourselves.

Look at your past. I know you can't remember it, probably don't even think about it. I can't tell you why. All the answers you need are locked in your past... you need to unlock them.

Good luck,

Cpt. Harriet Rum

'What could it all mean?'







While Nooreen ponders that over, it's time we looked at the career rewards Jack and Nooreen earned. This surgical practice apparatus certainly looks interesting, but how does it work?



'Patient came in complaining of abdominal pains, most likely caused by a tennis ball he swallowed which got lodged in his gut. Today we will be surgically removing the offending object... first incision is cut across the, uh, belly.'





'Where the fuck's that tennis ball? Must be in here somewhere!'







Jack gets the chance to use his hydroponics kit which is TOTALLY NOT ABOUT DRUGS. Absolutely not! He's growing tomatoes in there like any good citizen might.

Jack finishes seeding the pots. It looks exactly the same so I haven't screenshotted it.


Nooreen removes the offending tennis ball after a lengthy rummage in the mannekin's innards.


Hang on a second! THIS ISN'T A TENNIS BALL.


HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK THE RED LIGHT'S FLASHING! HE'S CRASHING! DO SOMETHING, NOOREEN!

I love the pissed off expression she's giving it.


Nooreen sticks the heart back in and brings out... a screwdriver?!


'BREATHE, DAMMIT, BREATHE!'







'DON'T YOU DIE ON ME! YOU'VE GOT SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!'






One hilarious thing that happened at this point, which I could never be able to do justice with screenshots and text alone, is that as Nooreen started compressing the dummy's chest, suddenly some sad piano chords started playing over the top. Now, at the time I thought this was something that must happen every time the surgery failed because it was just like medical dramas where sad music starts playing over the resuscitation attempts to tell the viewer that the patient isn't going to live.

What it actually turned out to be was complete coincidence because Jack had turned on the stereo next door and was happily dancing to this slow piano ballad. I was in stitches.


Despite some heroic efforts, the patient has succumbed to his injuries. Nooreen's shoulders sag in defeat. One thing I failed to screenshot was her quickly passing her palm over the dummy's face as if to close its eyes which I thought was a nice touch.


This is Jack dancing. I don't know why, but there's something about this image that just tickles me.

I've asked Jack to attempt his own house party. Only one person came this time.


'Jack, are you there old chap? I heard tale of a party and dashed over as soon as I dash well could, ha ha!'






'Here comes uncle Nemo, Toffee! Are you excited?!Oh, wait, it's time to go to work.'





And away he goes.


Catriona's still stoically painting away into the night, designing a poster for the political campaign she's managing I'll bet.


Nemo wanders into the kitchen to talk to Nooreen instead.

'Hello, old girl, been a fine day hasn't it, not a cloud in the sky, what what.'






'Who're you calling old?! I'll have you know I'm feeling rather sensitive about my age today!'





'Oh, I'm terribly sorry! I meant not to offend.'








'Tell you what, o-, Nooreen, why don't I tell you a rather amusing story about a friend of mine called Andy? Andy's a sumo wrestler and he-'





'You know a sumo wrestler?'






'Yes.'







'A sumo wrestler?!'







'Tell me more.'







Hey, there are wee plants in it now. And is the bonfire still smoking after all this time?

Not much of consequence happens for the rest of the night. Nemo leaves, Nooreen and Catriona go to bed, Jack and Pyke return, Pyke plays piano for a bit, then they both go to bed and everyone's asleep...


He's out there somewhere... waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Suddenly, Nooreen awakens and sits bolt upright in bed.

'Catriona, wake up! I know the answer! I know how we can learn our pasts!'






'Wstfgl.'






'Gather everyone in the living room! This may well be the most important evening of our lives.'






'Dude, what's going on? I was having this amazing dream where I was Donkey Kong-'





'In this book we can find out what the hell's been going on all this time.'






'Eh? What do you mean?'






'In these pages are the answers to all our questions. We can finally find out what happened in our lives, the stuff we can't remember. WHY we can't remember. Bear with me, we should be able to put a stop to Nathen Landry once and for all.'




'Is that book... is that book what I think it is?'






'Yes. Yes it is.'