Day Twenty-Nine

'Urgh... what a nightmare...'






'My arms! I still have my arms!'






'Where's Nathen? I'm going to get the spare petrol from the back of the car and pour it all over the little bastard.'





'Looks like he ran off when we started to wake up. We've got to be on the alert for anything unusual... remember: he's a shape-shifter.'





'Wonderful. As if we didn't need anymore paranoia on top of the fact that there's an alien maniac who wants to chop off our legs. I'm off to bed.'





'Me too. We're going to be growing old in twelve hours... I want to be feeling my best for that.'





'OK. Hey, Pyke, wanna play Mario Kart?!'






'I'm taking a bath.'






'Oh, OK.'







'I'm going to turn old today... but I've never been to dolphins! Or swum with Paris! Or something. I've never even had sex... man, I thought when I finally remembered my youth there'd be something more interesting.'





To compensate, Jack has a fulfilling dream about lesbians instead.

Dawn breaks...


'Hi Pyke, bye Pyke! I'm going to be late for work!'






'Don't interrupt me. I am a genius!'







'This day marks a major step forward in robotic science! I have created a computer program with emergent capabilities. By simply feeding in a few examples of popular music this robot will develop its own musical tastes!'




*BLEEP* My electronic soul is so dark and despairing, I can never know the meaning of hope a dooba doo scooby do wop do wop doo da doo da! I hate myself. *BLEEP*

'... Fuck.'







'Nooreen, I'm depressed. Do you ever think you've never actually acheived anything in your whole life?'





'This is the last day I'll be young and beautiful instead of a gnarled old bitter woman covered in wrinkles and varicose veins. And I'm spending it by mopping up a puddle of piss. What do you think?'





'And today I'll go to work and carry out my duties. I'll diagnose those runny noses, I'll fill in those prescription papers, I'll reassure the parents, I'll dispense the lollipops, I'll prod and I'll poke and I'll probe... but I ask myself if what I'm doing is worthwhile. Is it really making me happy? Sometimes I wonder whether I should just end it all.'



'Maybe coming to you to cheer me up was a mistake.'






'Come closer, Pyke, I've got something to tell you that might well turn your life around.'





'What is it?'






'Closer...'






'What?! What is it?!'







'I CHOOSE LIFE!'







'Nooreen, are you feeling alright?'






'We're going to be grannies in a few hours, Pyke! I'm going to push my body to the limit while I still can! I'm going to take risks! I'm going to seize the day and have fun!'




'Careful Noo-na! We all nearly died last night but that's no reason to be reckless like this! You could hurt yourself!'






Pyke can only look on in morbid fascination as an eerie light begins to emanate from Nooreen's crotch.


'I told you so.'







'Argh!'






'Do you want me to get an ice-pack or should I just stick around and smirk a bit more. I can do either all day if you want.'






'I'm going to work. Thanks for making an already shitty day just that little bit worse. Bye, Pyke.'






'Nooreen, I'm so-'






'Fuck off!'







TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEAAAAAAAAAAART!


'Wake up, eat, breathe in, breathe out... each day is so monotonous. Why have I not gone crazy? This is not how it should be.'






'What am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to do?!'







'Wow, a butterfly!'







Meanwhile, Jack is in the kitchen, stuffing his face with... something. Whatever it is turns orange when it spews forth from his lips. Unless he's covered some cornflakes with a cow pat I am really at a loss here.

The phone rings.


'You have got to be fucking kidding me. No, she is not available to talk you alien fuckwit. Fuck off.'






Pyke gives the telephone her Serious Face.


'Who was on the phone?'






'Fucking Nathen. I don't know what he's trying to pull.'






'Listen, Pyke, I want to talk to you about something...'






'Uh oh.'







'Well, you know how this is the last day we're going to be young...'






'Yeeeeees...'






'And how we've never... you know... done anything with our relationship...'






'Do you still wear those boxers with the aspergillus growing on it?'






'My lucky pants? Of course I do!'







'How would you like a toy boat instead?'






'Well uh...'






'I can make it a really nice one.'







I... think he's kinda got his heart set.

'Look, I don't want to be mean, but if you touch me I'm going to hoover thpse spiders living in the corner you like so much.'






'Stanley and Marissa are my friends! You wouldn't!'






'You stink. Really badly. I can't have been the only one to notice the floor tiles turn brown after you've stepped on them.'






Jack suddenly feels a strange compulsion to be clean.


Rachmaninov, Bach, Xenakis... as simple as Three Blind Mice when your creativity skills are maxed out, eh Pyke?


Rather than face the trials of the shower, Jack decides to use other seductive techniques: flattery! He's only gone and tipped Pyke a hundred simoleons! Oh, Jack!

And then, in a misguided and clumsy attempt to cheer his appreciation of Pyke's mastery of the piano, Jack shoves one of his hands right through his face and out the back of his head!


Oh, Jack!


'You're really good at that! Woo! I like a pretty pianist if you know what I mean-'






'Keep away from the piano, your stench is making the paint on the keys flake.'







'You make my HEART flake!'






'Jeez, give it a break. Yes, I know you have needs. So do I. So does everyone! But I can find better ways at meeting them than... consorting... with someone whose smell would make an elephant house seem like a perfumery!'




'What do you mean?! How've you been satisfying your needs exactly?!-'






The phone rings. Again.


'Huh? Who are you?'






'My name is Alice! My soul has been lit by the Torch of Passion! I simply must talk to Pyke! She is the other half of me! You do not know how many sleepless nights I have had thinking of her... she is the one! My soulmate!'




'Y-your... soulmate?'






'Yes. Please put her on, I can't bear being without her!'







*sniff* 'P-Pyke, there's someone on the-' *sniff* 'phone for you. Sh-she says her name is- *sniff* 'I've gotta go.'





'Are you crying?'






'NO! I was just... thinking about onions! Bye, Pyke! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY'







Pyke is delighted with her tip.


'I had your name and face tattooed on my back. You've got to see it. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y-' *click*





'What a freak.'






That was quite a blast from the past. We haven't seen Alice since Day Ten.


'I call it... Heartbreak Cake or How To Commit Suicide Through the Medium of Chocolate.'





Catriona returns home from work.


Awww, well that sucks.

There is now an hour until the Crombies start turning old. They won't all do it at the same time as the system only lets the changeover happen if they're not occupied with another task.


It's not been a very good day has it?


'Jack, I'm really scared. I don't want to grow old! What if I'm really ugly? What if I moan all the time about young people? What if I start playing bingo?!'





'Hmph. I'm trying to eat my cake.'






'Doesn't look like cake.'






'I used cabbage instead of flour by mistake.'







'Aw c'mon, we can be friends! There's no need to go in a huff! I can even help pick the periwinkles out of your hair!'





'I LIKE the periwinkles. They eat the algae! Besides, you obviously don't need me anymore. I'm just going to turn into a fat old bastard while you get all the fun. I can see that now.'





'I just wish old age didn't just suddenly arrive one day. If I had anything to say about it, old age would slowly develop over years instead.'





'Haha, what a weird idea.'






'It's the anticipation that's the worst thing. I know what'll cheer us up!'






'... Oh?'







Pyke then, and without any forewarning, starts 'busting a move' in front of Jack. This isn't something I've ever seen these guys do and I don't know what prompted it. And yes, it does look like she's about to kick Jack in the testicles.


Jack is, of course, utterly terrified.


'Dance with me, Jack! Dance! We'll dance until our hair turns grey!'






'I don't suppose you're saying "dance" in a euphemistic way by any chance?'






'Hell no!'






'Ah, fuck.'







'I can feel it... it's coming! Old age is coming!'







'AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'







'AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'







'AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'







'AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'









'Aaargh! I've turned into some sort of hobo Gandalf!'








I'm going to let these guys keep working their jobs. If they all retire then that means they'll stay home all day and I'll have to spend even longer writing out these posts. Ahem, also gives things a bit more variety. Yeah.


'Who's down for a game of Canasta?'







Jesus, check out the smirk on his avatar. It's a good thing Jack doesn't wear glasses or he'd totally look like a paedophile.


Well, we all know whose fault THAT IS don't we?

Meanwhile...


'FUCKING PIG ON A STIIIIIIICK!'







Time waits for no woman.


And old Nooreen looks... pretty stylish actually. It seems turning old doesn't do much to the physical appearance than turning the hair white and giving the sim a totally new outfit.


'Strange... I've never wanted tea and biscuits before... or doilies! AND BONE CHINA!'







Tsk.


*sob* 'I'm old and ugly and smelly and useless. Now no one will want me!'







Well you could deal with the smelly if you bathed more often and stopped using your toenail trimmings to play tiddlywinks. HINT FUCKING HINT.'






Aww. Pyke gives in and gives Jack a wary hug.


Don't throw up, don't throw up... if it gets to your mouth, just try to swallow it.






Meanwhile, Catriona's been crying in the bathroom about her demotion for the last two hours.


:(


Why did Jack choose this bench over four perfectly good double beds? I'm guessing he lost the battle with his inner tramp after he started resembling one.


'NOOOO!'







'I'M... TOO... YOUNG!!!'







'AAIEEE!'







'Oof... that didn't half twinge!'








If it weren't for the grey eyebrows, it'd be difficult to tell that Pyke had grown old at all.


Groovy. Wear that beret with pride, Pyke.


'Oh no... here it comes!'







'NOT IN THE BATHROOOOOM!!!'







'FUUUUUUUUU-'







'My arm! My arm! I've lost my arm!'








'Oh there it is.'








It's really not her day is it?


You knock her down and she bounces right back up again. If this is how she faces her problems, I think I'm beginning to suspect why Catriona got demoted at work.


I don't know what's going on here.


'Jack, is that really you? You look so... old!'







'You too! This is going to take some getting used to.'







'Yeah. Every day's going to be a continual struggle to not call you Dumbledore.'







'...'








I wasn't able to get any good shots, but for some reason, Jack and Catriona suddenly decided to play keepie-ups (or 'kicky bag' as it's referred to in-game) in the bathroom.

Senility is already creeping in.


Some things not even the slow deterioration of your entire body can change. Nooreen, meanwhile, has elected to spend the rest of her evening bowling upstairs.


How is this throw even possible?


A soak in the jacuzzi rounds off the day. Nice to see at least one of the Crombies trying to entertain themselves in a nonviolent way.

Jack goes to work and gets himself a chance card! For some reason, the screenshot didn't take. So I've gone off hunting the internet for a copy. Here we go:

Jack gets a call to spin at, what a party promoter only describes as, a "big
gig going down tonight," but in his excitement, Jack forgot to ask what type
of music to bring, and has failed to get a contact number. He can't possibly
bring all his vinyl, so he needs to make a decision and bring either the
latest hits or the golden oldies.

Options are: hits, oldies, or ignore.

Well, I couldn't possibly go against the major themes of today's post and go for hits could I? Oldies is obviously the way to go.


Yeaaaaah, that's what I like to see. Roll over Beethoven!

Pyke, who went to bed earlier, has woken up and- WOAH.



I suppose that's a difference!


She doesn't mind though. If there's one thing to say about getting old, it's sure a good excuse for drinking large amounts of gin!

And that's it for today! 6 am is just around the corner both for the Crombies and myself (you would not believe how long it takes me to do these) but before I finish: should we leave the Crombies in their new outfits or try to get them back into their old traditional garb? Leave a comment if you have an opinion either way.

And with that I bid you good night.