The Crombies: May 2009

'There's no escape this time! Sweet dreams!'

'NOOOOOOO-!'

*THUMP*

Later...

'... CATRIONA... CATRIONA... CAN YOU HEAR ME?'

'Urrgh... my head...'

'What happened?'

'I feel... different somehow.'

'Hey, Catriona! You're awake!'

'Jack?! Is that you?!'

'Holy fuck! My hands! My fingers- we're crochet dolls! We've been turned into tiny woollen toys! Jack, we are in deep shit here!'

'It gets worse!'

'How in the fuck could things possibly be worse?'

'I have no penis.'

'...'

'I checked three times. It's not there.'

'...'

'I'll check again.'

'OK, think, Catriona, think... the last thing I remember is Nathen saying "Sweet dreams". I think he's drugged us and put us in this dream world while he experiments upon us!'

'I don't have any balls either! Not even as much as a pom-pom.'

'There's no need to worry, you still have your testicles. It's just that you're dreaming this.'

'A dream? Oh, thank Christ. Well, if I'm dreaming then I don't mind telling you that I was the one who shaved your eyebrows off when we were seven! Because you're such a bitch sometimes! Ha, I've always wanted to say that.'

'We're ALL dreaming this, you moron! The only real things here are you and me!'

'Fuck!'

'When we wake up, your balls will be in very close proximity to the tip of my shoe. But enough of that. Right now we need to find a way to wake up!'

'You're exactly right!'

'The psychic link between us helps Nathen test our compatibility quotient. We'd better escape before he starts hacking limbs off!'

'Nooreen, you're alright!'

'Yes, I've been looking for you two for hours! I saw Nathen too... I think if we can defeat him here then we'll wake up!'

That's amazing! How come you know so much?'

'Oh, no reason. I'm just... guessing. Yeah.'

'Where's Pyke?'

'Still in shock I'm afraid.'

'Th-the horror... s-s-so cold... s-so c-cold...'

'Let's go! Nathen is over that way-'

'No he's not.'

'W-what?! How do you know?!'

'I've been all over this place looking for my pe- uh- purse. Yes. Purse. I didn't see anyone there. Besides, you said you saw Nathen back where you came from.'

'Well, I suppose we go this way then...'

'Looks kind of creepy in there...'

'Before we go anywhere, we need to get Pyke out of her stupor.'

'Leave it to me.'

'Holy shit! Humans evolved from monkeys!'

'No, humans and monkeys both evolved from a common ancestor, you idiot- hey. What the fuck? What's going on?'

'Welcome back to... unreality.'

'We're ragdolls?! Which one of you sick fuckers gave me LSD?'

'We'll explain on the way. But for now we've got to push on.'

I recommend listening to the Colonel Bogey March while looking at the next few images.

'I hate climbing.'

'Whee!'

'I hate climbing.'

'Fuuuuuuuck.'

'Mmf!'

'Wait, everybody stop! Did anyone else hear that?'

'Yeah, I think it came from over there.'

'I didn't hear anything! Let's go back, this is obviously a dead end!'

'Hello! is there anyone there?'

'N-Nooreen?! But how?!'

'MMF!'

'Nooreen?'

'Look out behind you!'

'Aaaaaaah!'

'Nnghn...'

'Behold! My true form!'

'Dude, this isn't an anime, the 'true form' thing's been done to death.'

'Yeah. and it's usually a little more grandiose. I mean, really? Your race are winged hippos? PURPLE winged hippos? Seriously?'

'Enough of this prattle! It ends here!'

'Aaaaah!'

'Guys? I'm still tied up, here! GUYS?!'

'Come out, come out wherever you are...'

'Pyke, I've got an idea, but I'll need you to give me a boost!'

'Alright!'

'CROMBIE...'

'... POWER!'

'Alley-oop!'

'Ha ha!'

'Whoosh!'

'Ha ha!'

'What the- get off!'

'Why, you- let's see if you can handle THIS!'

Nathen flew off into the sky, taking Catriona with him in a manner so audacious mere photographs couldn't suffice!