Memories, Part Two

'The next section of this scrapbook details our childhoods. After the mysterious disappearance of our guardians, we were put into the care of a Miss Hannigan, the wealthy young daughter of a bank manager-




'Wealthy? My inheritance senses are tingling.'






'Don't get too excited... according to the notations here, Miss Hannigan no longer remembers us. For some reason, every memory of our existence was wiped from her brain...'




'That's ominous.'







'This is where we were raised for the remainder of our toddler years right up until we were ten years old.'






'This is Miss Hannigan, she never had to work a day in her life because of an enormous inheritance she acquired after the death of her father. Many claimed she was shallow and naive and could never survive in the real world, and she set out to prove them wrong by adopting some children. But there was a problem.'



'What?'






'She was shallow and naive and could never survive in the real world. But she valiantly attempted to raise the four of us by herself anyway.'






Miss Hannigan's aspiration may or may not put her mothering skills into question.


'Eeeeeeemooooo.'






'Shut the fuck up.'







'I wore the same clothes back then? That's insane!'






'We've all been wearing the same clothes for the last four weeks... with no washing machine in the house... you know, actually that is a bit strange.'





'My jacket used to be white.'







'I was a handsome lad.'






'Come on, admit it. The most interesting thing in that photograph is the fireplace, Bland McBlanderson.'






'Science. It works, bitches.'






Is it just me, or does Nooreen's skirt make her body look strangely elongated?


Setting the trend, Jack pours scorn on the chairs in the dining room.


Indeed, the young Crombies devote an entire hour to bitching about the chairs. And they say children aren't discerning.


'Hey, Noo-na! You wanna have a pillow fight?!'






'Yeaaaah!'






'Aww, that's adorable. Our first ever pillow fight.'






What the hell...


Who's cool? I'm cool. Ohhhhh, yeah.


'So THAT'S why my jaw clicks when I open it.'






'You look like you're swallowing a grapefruit in that picture.'






'As it happens, ever since that incident, I've been able to 'unhinge' my lower jaw so I can devour entire objects, snakelike.'





'That is terrifying.'







'D'awww.'






'Come this way, Mr Smith, it's time for your colorectal exam!'






'Nooreen, have you ever considered seeing a therapist?'






'I did, once.'






'... And?'






'His prostate was in good condition. I can't understand why he kept screaming at me all the time during the procedure, I was giving him good news!'






'When I gwow up, I wanna be a deep-sea divah!'






'Pyke, that's not the kind of future I had in mind for you. You need to learn manners, and how to be a good housewife for your husband!'






'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'







Catriona's just standing here.


... Fair enough. Let's go back to Pyke and Miss Hannigan.


'Sex is a very important part of every marriage and you must make sure your husband is pleased in the bedroom or soon you'll find him creeping out in the night to visit some SLUT in Sim City!





'I thought we were going to play with the Lego-'






'NO. I can't let you play with blocks until I know you can tell the difference between a napkin and a serviette! Until you can learn the fifty-six rules of first dates! Until you can organise a dinner party! How could I let you play with coloured bricks when you don't know the meaning between right and wrong?!'





'I wanna be an astwonaut!'






'GO TO YOUR ROOM.'







'Life with Miss Hannigan was very strict and disciplinarian. If we broke any of the house rules we would be beaten. From elbows on the table to asking for a drink during the soup course, all infractions resulted in a severe thrashing from the lady of the house.'




For some, it was too much.


What? A child hanging herself? That's dark, man. That's dark.


'A few years after moving in, our guardian began having... dreams. She claimed she was hearing the voices of a spirit from the other side... a voice by the name of-'




'NATHEN?!'






'Jesus Christ, Jack, stop stealing my thunder. Yes, she was hearing Nathen in her dreams. All the years after he'd murdered Lumpy he'd dissolved into an incorporeal being, a mere whisper on the wind.'




'LIKE VOLDEMORT?!'






'Jack, SHUT THE FUCK UP. As I was saying, Nathen had spent his years searching for us, his pet projects for his spaceship. It seems we had all been engineered so that our limbs could be used for a specific, essential part. If he didn't find us, all of us, then his escape would be set back for years until he could somehow acquire four other babies. And even then, he'd used the last of his resources to engineer Catriona's part. If he couldn't get Catriona, his plans for revenge were doomed. He needed us.'


'Man, that's creepy. So he'd tracked us down? How come we're not dead?'






'He hadn't figured out where we were yet. He only knew we were in Miss Hannigan's care...'







I don't know what the fuck.


'Hey, Catriona, I think there's something seriously wrong with Miss Hannigan.'






'Hold on a second, I'm giving Jack Chinese burns.'






'Mercy! MERCY!'






OK, hold everything.


What in the fuck is this.

Seriously, his neck is like two-thirds of the size of his head. And that face... THAT FACE...

...

:|


To be honest, I only included this image because Nooreen looks adorable in it.

'Oh my god... everybody look at this, I've found a picture of Jack wearing pyjamas!'






'AHAHAHAHAHA!'






'Wh- what's wrong with lavender?'







'Now, your husband's just returned from work! What do you do?'







'Get his slippers, take off his coat... and... get his dinner ready?'






'NO, YOU DUMB WHORE. Dinner should already be on the table! You go to your room and stand in the corner until you know how to be an obedient wife!'






'Yes, Miss Hannigan...'








'As time wore on, the punishments became more severe. If we had a fingertip out of place at the table then we would not be allowed our dinner.'





'Jack, are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think miss Hannigan wants us to eat out of the dustbin.'





'I haven't eaten in a week! My hair's falling out! It's either this or the grass.'






'Mmm... grass sandwiches.'







This is called 'family kiss'. Kids who are good friends will give each other a tentative (non-romantic) kiss on the cheek. Because that's totally what kids do.

Jack looks like he's gonna puke.

Later, Jack and Miss Hannigan sit down to have a good chinwag.


... From opposite sides of a hallway, facing directly into a staircase...? This fucking game!

'One day, I brought back a friend from school called Nigela. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, but her arrival would mark the beginning of the end of our stay at the Hannigan household.'





'Let me guess: Nathen.'






'That's right. He'd discovered where we were by taking the shape of a nine-year-old girl, at great expense to his life. Every time he creates himself a new body, it becomes much harder for him to do so again. If Harriet's calculations here are correct, then we only need to kill him one final time and he's gone for good.'



'But how do we kill him?'






'I don't know yet. We'll have to keep reading.'







'There wasn't much Nathen could do in the state he was in, so he merely observed our progress on that first visit. He later retreated to plan his assault later.'





'What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?'






'It says here that the very next day after we left Miss Hannigan, the house was found burned to the ground, and the owner was comatose nearby. She recalled nothing of the six or seven years we stayed with her. Nathen was brutal in his rage when he discovered we were no longer there.'



'But where had we gone?'







'Hmm... on the day we left, Miss Hannigan was acting strangely, and she had invited me outside for some dancing practice. When we were there, her voice suddenly changed to a different one... a voice I had never heard before...'





Truly an image of a child having fun.


'Nooreen, I need you to listen to me very carefully, because I do not have much time.'






'Why are you speaking with that weird voice, Miss Hannigan?'






'I am not Miss Hannigan, I am merely controlling her body temporarily so I can relay some important information to you.'






'You're funny, Miss Hannigan!'






'I am not Miss Hannigan, I am Captain Harriet Rum, and I need you to do exactly as I say - or you may die.'






'She told me to call the police immediately and tell them that we had been physically abused all these years and that we needed to be picked up right away. If we had stayed... Nathen would have taken us.'





'We had escaped from the jaws of death, once more. But for how long?'






'JUST LIKE THE POWER RANGERS!'






'JESUS CHRIST!'