Day Eight

A whole week has passed since the Crombies moved in, and I think they're really beginning to settle into this place. No more worries, no more fears, no more fretting about ridiculous things like-



'Cockroaches. I think cockroaches are taking over the planet. Did you know that they can survive for like a month without food? I think we should all prepare for a cockroach apocalypse.'



'... I asked you how you liked being a nurse now, what with the promotion. What's all this about cockroaches? The exterminator killed them all four days ago.'



'Unless you're saying they're coming back to scorch us with flame! Wait, can cockroaches hold flamethrowers? I WILL NOT TAKE THAT CHANCE.'



'We can still escape their wrath if we grab the next boat! The dock closes in half an hour! We can still make it! Those cockroaches won't take us alive!'

(Little known fact: although it is true that cockroaches can withstand doses of radiation much higher than a human could, cockroaches will wither and die after three seconds in the intense gaze of Nooreen.)



Meanwhile, a car is parked outside. It's been honking for nearly an hour. It's Catriona's carpool! Why does she so insist on missing work all the time? I'm surprised she hasn't been fired yet.



There she is, having a good scrub in Jack's bath. Didn't even attempt to fix it of course...



'Hey, get that Pyke, did you see the shoes she was wearing the other day? Good grief, they were awful! Made her look like a blonde flamingo! Oh ho ho ho!'

'Uh... Jack...'



'And just get a load of that make-up, doesn't she know powdered cherry was in fashion last season? It's going to be at least three years before you can put that on your face and not look like a complete tart!'

'Jack, I think you should-'



'But I think her worst blunder when it comes to fashion is, well, her clothes! Did you see that dress she was trying on the other day? It looked like a cosy for a toilet brush! Oh, my, she did look ever so silly! And as for her- she's right behind me isn't she?'

'Um.'



Catriona knocks up a screwdriver. At something like nine in the morning. Depression, alcoholism, missing work, temporary insanity... I think she might need to be committed at some point.



You can tell by the grim look on Pyke's face that she's about to go totally Pompeii. Nooreen decides to make a quick exit. Jack protests:

'Nooreen, you can't leave me! I'm going to get pulverised!'

'Screw you, we've lost every chance of getting the boat, if the cockroaches come I'm using you as a human shield.'



Et tu, brute?



Jack slinks back into bed after being beat up by Pyke who then heads off to work for yet another day's prodding and probing. Nooreen joins him in yet another example of wanton bed-sharing. These guys don't even talk that much! I'm at a loss to explain it.



OK, obviously a Matrix reference! Let's see... the red pill allowed you to go further while the blue pill plonked you back in the real world right? Or was it the other way round? Erm. I think... red. Eat the red liquorice, Pyke.



D'oh! Well, the first opportunity I'm getting, Pyke is going to get that job back. Or she'll never have the chance of being a mad scientist! I seriously doubt any of our sims will achieve their aspirations, but I'll at least give them the basics for advancement.



Pyke returns home, earning the ignominious title of First Crombie to Lose A Job. Chin up, though! We'll have you back in those terrible genetic experiments that man was never meant to wot before you can say 'should have told him to shove that red liquorice up his ass'.



Jack wakes up, not looking particularly surprised that Nooreen is sleeping next to him. With her eyes slightly open. SHE EVEN STARES AT YOU WHEN SHE SLEEPS. That's scary.



Catriona tries out her portable gaming system which, from now on, and for the sake of brevity, I shall refer to as the GameBoy. I don't know what she's playing, but I think she's either winning or losing horribly.



Suddenly she whips out the MP3 player. Jesus Christ, what a face! That's not Magic Roundabout she's listening to.



Jack prepares to make another contribution to the severe biological hazard in the ground floor bathroom. He's a brave man, obviously holding the possible tentacle rape that may await just beyond the U-bend to Hades with disdain.



Pyke yearns for the days when she was tickled, zapped, prodded, poked, electrocuted, frazzled, probed, strapped up, tied down, and made to listen to a repeated loop of The Birdie Song.



'If you wish to enter the fridge you must answer me these riddles three.'



Everyone knows how much Pyke loves American football.



But she wakes Nooreen up.

She rubs a bit of Instant Medusa-Style Starey Death out of her eye.



'Nooreen! Nooreen! I just swallowed a tennis racket and I don't know what to do!'

Nooreen nods understandingly.

'How did it happen?'



'Well, I was playing Superb Tennis on my GameBoy when suddenly I was sucked into the game! To escape my virtual prison I had to spend several months (which of course in our timeline was just a few minutes) training as a tennis star to win the tournament! When I finally did it, I was back here again!'

'That still doesn't explain how you came to swallow a tennis racket.'

'I thought it was a lollipop.'

'I see.'

'Please help me, I'll do anything!'



Ka-ching!



'Alright, hold still while I punch you in the gut. That might pop it out.'

'Oh, Noo-na, surely you jest!'

'I'm readying my fist...'

'Hahahaha-'



These people have the cooking skills of a pyromaniac with ten thumbs.



Nooreen and the now convalescent Catriona rush into the kitchen to convey their horror at the blaze Jack has ignited. Jack is too busy making sure his horribly burnt gazpacho soup is out of harm's way however. He's set fire to the microwave so many times he probably thinks it's supposed to happen.

The sprinklers make quick work of the fire.



LinuxBabe123: hlo whos there

Hotchikk69: a/s/l?

LinuxBabe123: i thot i heard the fire alarm

Hotchikk69: a/s/l?

LinuxBabe123: mebbe i shud check it out incase its a real fire

Hotchikk69: a/s/l plz

LinuxBabe123: i lost my job i am very sad

Hotchikk69: asl maybe we cud be friendz???

LinuxBabe123: 58/m/sitting in front of my computer with no social life

Hotchikk69: o i c

LinuxBabe123: ...

Hotchikk69: me too.




Nooreen and Catriona endeavour to clean up the mess. Jack has buggered off somewhere else, even though he started the fire. Cheeky.



Jack returns.

'Hey, Catriona, I was just looking at our house, and I noticed we've got a garage.'

'We don't have a garage. We don't have a car!'

'We do, we do, we do. And a gorilla!'

Catriona gives Jack an appraising look.



'I say we go find Johnny Gorilla and we KNOCK HIM DOWN WITH A HAMMER!'

'Sounds like a plan!'

'I'll bet he's in league with the cockroaches.'

'Yeah... so, how big would you say this gorilla was?'



'BIGGER THAN A BUSHEL OF PONIES.'



'Luckily my toes have magical powers.'

'I'm going now.'



YOUR EXITS ARE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, WEST, AND INSANITY CLAUSE.



Yahtzee!



This computer is not Nooreen.



But there's no time for that now, because it's Ready Steady Cooooooooooook! Both Nooreen and Pyke have decided to make spaghetti bolognese at the same time. Who will manage to prepare their dinner first and be able to nab the cooker while the other looks on helplessly? Stay tuned to find out!

And yes, that is Catriona at the back just sitting there. Again. I think she might be acting as judge.



Pyke's in the lead! She's stirring all the ingredients together to save time! Whole onions, tomatoes and unboiled spaghetti have been thrown in. Nooreen has cut herself falling even further behind! Can she possibly recover?



Our supervising judge is perfectly enigmatic and will not be drawn into discussion.



Pyke wins! She reaches the cooker before Nooreen has even started slicing the garlic, what a crafty competitor she is! But it's a pyrrhic victory as her dinner starts to exude thick black smoke.



Looks about as appetising as the scrapings off the floor of an abbatoir.



Nooreen manages to burn her meal too. I think it might be something to do with the cooker.



Yep, this cooker is beginning to look a little worse for wear. Considering how many times the Crombies have torched the damn thing, I'm surprised it's even operable. I may just get them a new one.



There we go! Excellent, a whole new stove for the Crombies to incinerate.



'Kiss my spaghetti. Acknowledge that it is the superior meal. Now.'

Nooreen is a sore loser.



'Maybe I could show you my 'walking through the table' trick? It's really coo-'

'KISS THE FUCKING SPAGHETTI.'



Nooreen visualises putting a bag over Pyke's head. She's in a really unforgiving mood. She put her heart and soul into that spaghetti.



Nooreen suddenly remembers House is on and Pyke is saved from humiliation. Close shave, Pyke, close shave.



Catriona weeps over the toilet of the tommyknockers. 'Why will no one clean it, why?!'



If you're wondering where Jack's been all this time, here he is standing in the corner of the recreation room enjoying a drink. He looks a little aghast. Probably wants a miniature umbrella.



Jack goes to bed, and later Catriona joins him. I may be projecting, but I think Jack looks a little too smug for someone attracting women into his bed while completely unconscious.



Nooreen washes the bath. In all fairness, it is dirty, but LOOK AT THE FUCKING TOILET! At any moment, something straight from Lovecraft's novels is going to slither out.



Catriona twists and turns in her sleep, her dreams filled with romance and adventure. What an amazing dream, I hope it lasts forever-



'Crap.'

'Heh heh heh. I've got hair.'