Day Seven

Day Seven begins slowly, the only one awake is Nooreen who's just got out of bed.



'Holy camboodle, am I still in this place?'

SUDDENLY!



Hmm, well I consider 'I dunno' to be something of a negative response. Jack's not even considering making an opinion, at least there's something substantial in 'whatever', as in 'whatever you select, Malcolm my man!'

I select 'Whatever'.



...

Wow, I guess I chose wrong.



Nooreen picks another bed to infect with her stink.



The downstairs toilet continues to serve as a dread portal into the terrifying unknown.



Jack returns home from his bizarre day at the golf course and is greeted by this chump.

'Dude, what happened to you? You're all like shook up and stuff.'

'L-l-lightning... all that was left of him were BONES. BOOOOONES!'



'I can still smell his burning flesh!'

'... Dude.'

Poor Jack. It's been a hard day.



Catriona's up and she's fussing and moaning as usual. All Catriona seems to want to do is buy an MP3 player, and a portable video game system of some description. There's no way I can get her one here, I'll have to take her downtown sometime.



Here's what she's upset about. No-one's cleaned up the water from the sprinklers after the microwave caught fire for the six millionth time.



'Hey, Pyke... wanna hold hands? It might be fun. I thought we could skip all the way to lollipop land where the magical people of Lovely Buttons frolic.'



'What is it? You don't WANT to hold my hand and join me in wonderful, exciting adventures in the Valley of Eternal Rainbows? Am I not GOOD enough for that?'



'Well, I'm leaving for those golden hills of sunshine! I'm leaving! LEAVING FOREVER!'

'Catriona, I haven't even touched my sandwich yet. We can totally hold hands after.'

'Truly?'



'Now wait while I give this simple ham sandwich a complete makeover.'

'Why are you-'

'It's part of the test I've got to do today at the labs. I bring back a sandwich with make-up on it and then they put this really tight jacket on me and lock me in this room full of cushions for six hours. It's very strange, but they get so excited when I froth at the mouth so I try to do that for them whenever possible.'

'I thought you had to bring them Marmite on toast. Something to do with a study on altruistic tendencies?'

'No... I'm pretty sure it's make-up.'

'No, it says right here: Marmite.'

'I... I don't understand!'



Pyke's beliefs are shaken to her very core.

'WHO. AM. I?!'

Catriona decides the frolicking can wait for a later date.



Cleaning makes everything better.



The phone rings and Pyke's the first to pick it up. The caller is... Scott! Him again! I should mention that there have been further developments in Scott's life. He is now married to a woman called Camryn, has broken ties with Sheila (whom he had an affair with). Sheila has remarried after the death of her husband, Jacob (God rest his virtual soul), to a man called Joe Carr who's been trying to get into her granny-pants for a long time.

Anyway.

If you'll recall, Pyke and Scott didn't exactly get on last time but apparently he's called her to talk to her about desk jobs. If I recall correctly, Scott is a judge so he's got a pretty big desk.



'You work in the CITY? Where all the buildings are really tall? Wow, that sure is swell!'



'Ah, and you swipe paper through clocks too! That must be the best part of being a judge! My, sir, you must be one wealthy man!'



Pyke gets down to business.



Meanwhile, Catriona gives me more evidence of her weakening mental state by summoning her swarthy shipmates to her side in the midst of an ongoing sea battle. She sorely needs something else to do. My mind is resolved! Catriona can call the taxi and head for a shop that sells electronic goods once Pyke's finished seducing Scott.



'TRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIN!'



And the conversation turns to relationships...



... and hats...

'Wait, wait, wait! I know this one! They go on your HEAD, right?'



... and kissing.

'So, tell me, what would YOU describe as the best way to kiss a girl?'



Shouldn't have asked.

Come on, Pyke! I want the phone so Catriona can stop moping around the place and actually get those cherished gadgets!



Look at the poor girl, she's dying of frustrated boredom!



Pyke comments that the weather recently has been rather overcast. Outside is just the vast green expanse and the mysterious blue mist. The Crombies live in the twilight zone.

Pyke and Scott are on pretty good terms now, but why has this conversation been lasting so long? It's interminable! What's everyone else up to?



Nooreen's using Jack's bathroom and she's broken the bath! Ooh, he's going to be so angry.



Pyke's off the phone! For some reason she puts the receiver on the floor instead of back on its hook.



Oh dear. Nooreen has taken it upon herself to mop up all the water that's pouring from the bath. As soon as she mops it up, yet more bathwater floods to replace it. But it hasn't occurred to her that if she repaired the bath all her problems would be over. Well, we'll come back in a few hours and see how she's doing I guess.



Good to see Catriona trying her hand at something non-bath related. Jack... well, he's just standing there. He's spoken barely a word all day. I think he's still traumatised.



Gasp! More clipping issues. Jack, obviously terrified of a repeat of the Pyke-fusion incident tries not to move. Catriona? Well, she's got a game to play.



Success! I know, of course, that it will all be in vain, but for now Nooreen treasures her victory over the crippled bathtub.



Pyke, who's also in the mood for cleaning, has decided that the bath is in need of a good clean, utterly ignoring the evolving eco-system that's infested the commode. Good show, Pyke!



I don't know where to begin captioning this.



More success! Catriona has managed to sink every single ball and she's utterly thrilled. She does look like she has two elbows though.



It's so nice to have a lovely clean bathroom! Now that the bath, which was already clean, has been thoroughly scrubbed, there's nothing more that could add to the perfection that resonates within this room, no siree!



'Catriona... I don't know how to say this... I've been so occupied recently I haven't been able to tell you how I truly felt. And I want to tell you, because it's right that you should know. So... so I'll just have to say it straight. And let you know.'

'What... what is it, Jack?'



'DON'T I HAVE THE MOST AWESOME SHOULDER EVER?! SERIOUSLY, I LOVE IT SO MUCH I WANT TO GET A PORTRAIT DONE AND IT WILL BE FRAMED IN MY BATHROOM AND IT WILL BEAR THE PLAQUE 'ME AND MY SHOULDER - BUDDIES THROUGH THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES.'

Catriona disputes the alleged brilliance of Jack's shoulder.



'But I haven't even introduced you to my bowels yet!'

I think it's indicative of how terrible Jack's fart is that Catriona, who has no sense of smell, can detect its abominable stench. They're a stinky lot this bunch.



Suddenly Catriona points at something behind Jack, he whirls round, and she gives the most creepy smile I think we've seen yet. What on Earth is she up to?



'Catriona, I don't see any seventeenth-century Venetian ballet at all! I think you were telling a big fat porky pie.'

The devil woman gives the haggis an experimental toss. Jack doesn't stand a chance.



It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight,
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival...

Here it comes...



Ka-blooie! Oh, the hilarity!



Uh-oh, I think Jack's having a stroke.



Jack quickly gets over his sense of betrayal.

'I was surprised THIS much!'



Jack wanders over to his bathroom. He's not going to be happy!



More pointless mopping. If none of them make any attempt at fixing that bath, I may have to make one of them do it.

I leave Jack to his Herculean task.



It's time we got Catriona her gadgets! I'm just going to get everything available so she doesn't whine about it later.

Catriona calls a taxi. She's really tired, so it's going to have to be an in-and-out job. At some point, I'll have all the Crombies go to a community lot and do something together for a bit of variation.



This sounds likely.



Catriona purchases a mobile phone, an MP3 player, and a portable gaming system. From a vending machine, strangely enough. How much would it piss you off if one of them jammed and just leant against the glass in that tantalising way it does when it doesn't fall down into the receptacle? And you KNOW you're not supposed to shake the machine, but... anyway. I send Catriona straight back home before she collapses.



Ah, good, another mission accomplished. I'm not sure what she has against snow though, since it never, ever snows in the, well, snowglobe I suppose, that is Rainbow Cottage's neighbourhood.

Still, I'd like to get the Crombies to see more of their surroundings, and meet some new people. To facilitate this, I have bought them a car and fashioned them a new garage to keep it in.



Ta-da!



And here's the top. I think the stone fence around it is pretty neat. Still... there's something missing...



Perfect.



Look at that face... I think Catriona's dreaming something she shouldn't.



'There's my sandwich! I thought I'd lost that!'

...

*prod prod*



Jack is the only Crombie awake in the house. Nooreen's not back from work yet and he's returned to his initial haunt... the jacuzzi pool.

If he stays in there all night, I swear I'll...



Hooray! Nooreen's definitely moving up in the world. Jack and Pyke haven't yet got off the bottom rung and Catriona's still an intern.

Nooreen decides to join Jack in the pool.



They stare balefully at each other for a while. Sizing each other up... strategically working out the best way to start a conversation which will challenge them both with debates spanning the whole breadth of humanity's problems. They will need every ounce of wit to counter the other's argument and ultimately give both a greater understanding of life itself.



'Holy smokes! Tennis!'