The Crombies: Day Nine

Catriona and Nooreen are the only ones up. Catriona begins her day with a good old muck about with the GameBoy. A sadistic, twisted smile slowly widens as she destroys some innocent Tetris blocks.

Nooreen begins her first day as a nurse. Look at that! No more hitching a ride in an ambulance, Nooreen's actually in a proper car that doesn't look like it got nicked off a scrapheap.

Dawn breaks and King Maurice surveys his realm.

Well, I think King Maurice is a good name.

Catriona starts cooking something, but then becomes distracted by her MP3 player. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should have got her those gadgets. If she destroys that cooker the day after I bought it I won't be pleased.

Catriona's sloppy jalopy comes to pick her up. Will she miss it again or will she actually go to work? Come on Catriona, you can do it...

Sigh. She's too busy eating a little brown square that the game assures me is a toaster pastry. I think it looks more like a teabag.

Excellent! Catriona finishes the pastry and legs it to the carpool, just in the nick of time.

Jack arrives home and Pyke leaves at the same time in the same car. I can only deduce from this that the driver must be both a golf caddy and a test subject. What are the odds?

In any case, after a tiring morning pottering around the golf course, Jack makes his way to the only place he truly considers home.

Will no one fix that bath? Fine, I resolve to get someone to fix it tomorrow because it's just annoying me now.

Jack is the only person in the house now. He doggedly persists in mopping the floor, obviously not remembering that this didn't work one bit last time. He's too busy remembering the brief, yet passionate, tryst with this mop he had a few days ago.

Jack tires of the mopping after a while and cheers himself up by blowing some bubbles.

And they try to tell us those things aren't addictive.

Jack eventually wanders downstairs to... check his e-mail. OK. What's he got?

Huh, fancy that.

Jack sits back in the chair in something like stunned surprise for a few moments before leaning toward the screen again.

Yeah, Jack, you just looked. You don't have any e-mails. Again, Jack sits back and stares at the screen for a while, unable to comprehend the neglected state of his inbox.

I don't know if he checked his e-mails again, I was distracted by another pop-up message:

Another one? My, Catriona's well-connected. Jack is amongst the rich nearly everyday and the only notable thing he's managed to do is be witness to the electrocution of some toff. Well, let's see who it is...

It's some random computer-generated sim! His name is Nathen [sic] Landry and he doesn't look like a politician at all. What's going on here? Oh well, ten quid says Catriona completely ignores him from hereon out.

So far so good.

STOP CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL.

Nathen wanders into the house. I don't like him, I think he looks suspicious. Eyes too close together. You break it, you buy it, Nathen!

Nathen finds the pool table. We're yet to have anyone actually play a game against each other, they're all quite happy to play alone. Weirdos.

Since Jack isn't doing anything interesting, I tell him to go pay the bills. After doing so, he goes over to Catriona to tell a dirty joke. After some furtive looking around lest someone else overhear his salacious tale, he begins:

'I once knew this pilot who went to have an eye test and he ended up having sex with the light projector.'

'And that's why I'll NEVER FLY AGAIN because I don't want him to get horny every time he looks at all those flashing lights and then crashes the plane due to gross negligence, oh no, that would be bad.'

'And pilots aren't magical, either, I looked it up on Wikipedia. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I bought a light projector while I was out and I thought we could-'

Best friends!

But Catriona is not enthralled by Jack's newly found light bulb fetish.

'Go on, what's your favourite? Bayonet or screw-in?'

'We'll resolve this in a mature way. Rock, paper, scissors?'

'Curses!'

Catriona opens an invisible window.

Nooreen returns home and goes to bed. It's hard work being a nurse!

King Maurice is a soothing presence in her troubled mind.

'Hey, what're you doing?'

'I'm going to tickle you!'

No.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

'Tickletickletickletickle!'

I'm not sure that's the safest place to play rock, paper, scissors. Pyke's due back from work any minute.

Aaaaaaaaall byyyyyyy myyyyyyyyyyseeeeeeeeeeeellf...

Pyke's back from work! Catriona and Jack were kind enough to stand on the pavement and allow the car to park.

'I think this is your hottest body part.'

'I would have it that all my body parts were hot.'

'I am glad we had this discussion.'

'I like safes.'

Awesome, it's another random generated sim. I can't actually remember what this one is called, so for now we'll just call her Alice.

And here she is! Rather boring in appearance but more interesting than Nathen was. The tattoo on her hand makes it look like someone shot her.

Hey, how about that! Pyke's actually socialising with her guest! That's a Crombie first!

'So, how was work for you today, Alice?'

'Pyke, I think we have a connection, a connection that transcends this world and the next, I think, I know that we were meant to be together, forever, kindred spirits staying true to each other in a world full of peril and adversity. Kiss me, Pyke! Kiss me!'

'... let's talk about dresses.'

Jack hurries inside, in dire need of the toilet. Catriona waits for a while, growing a beard to fill the time.

'Screw Jack and his toilet! I'm going to bed!'

And she does just that.

Jack cooks himself a microwave dinner and doesn't set the house on fire! Someone give the man a coconut!

'I've already booked us tickets, we can be in Paris within the day! We will drink fine wines, eat fine food, and live like free spirits, arms in arms, lips interlocked, we will let our passions blaze like the sun, we-'

Nathen stares at Pyke who seems somewhat terrified by Alice's monologue.

Some random guy in a suit waves at the group on his way past. They ignore him. Fuck off, random guy.

'Alice, I'm not convinced you're straight.'

...

'Are you gay?'

'Who the hell are you?'

'I'm Nathen. A friend of Catriona's? We're both interns.'

'Well, Nathen, your fingers are superglued together.'

'Eh? Holy crap!'

'Heh heh heh.'

Nooreen dreams about the car no-one's seen in the garage no-one's opened. We'll have to rectify that at some point.

'I'm actually writing a book right now called '101 Things You Can Do With Freshly Amputated Limbs.'

'What I generally do is befriend a vulnerable young woman, get to know her well enough that she invites me back, and then I rip her apart and do more research on things you can do with freshly amputated limbs. For instance, if you nail an arm to your door you can have an instant door knocker! Catriona never mentioned there were other people living here, so I might give it a miss tonight. For now. But the most important thing is to get it all on film for future... reference.'

'That's fascinating Mr Landry!'

'We could go on a world cruise!'

'Alice, I-'

'See the world, just you and me!'

'I'm not ga-'

'We will be so happy, oh so happy!'

'Do you like bombs? I also do bombs. I've got a basement just full of mutilated women and bombs, you should come check it out some time.'

'Oh my God, is that the time? I've got to go! I'm scheduled for an... appendix... transplant.'

'I brought my scrapbook along, if you're interested.'

'Got to go!'

Night falls and Pyke's still hanging out with Alice on the front lawn. Here we see Pyke maintaining a strict disinterest in videogames. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE REAL PYKE?

Not even the guests object to using a lavatory that looks like its filled with kryptonite.

'Can't we just be friends?!'

Nathen fills the jacuzzi and lowers himself in. These guests have no sense of propriety!

King Maurice isn't saying anything, but I'm sure he disapproves.

'So it's like that is it?'

'Alice-'

'Don't say anything! Just don't say... anything...! Mark my words, one day YOU WILL BE MINE! AND WE WILL BE MARRIED! AND WE WILL HAVE LOTS OF BABIES!'

'Er...'

'Goodbye, Pyke! I'm leaving!'

'... right after I've played poker with myself.'

That kinda sounds like a euphemism.

'This is definitely my favourite part of the wall!'

'Nooreen, I'd kinda like to use the toilet.'

'I'm cleaning the bath! If I don't clean the bath then the bathroom won't be clean!'

'I really need to go! Can't it wait until later?'

The Gateway to Hell just sits there mocking us with its obscene presence.

'I'M CLEANING THE FUCKING BATH, BITCH!'

Nathen watches the two young women pillow fighting in stunned silence. The stories were true!

Over a week since they moved in, the swimming pool has its first visitor, Alice. The Crombies are obviously lazy bastards.

Eeeeeeeeeverybody hurts sometimes!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeverybody cries...

Catriona's bladder meter is right in the red and Pyke's having a bath. The toilet upstairs is unoccupied, but she's rather insistent on using the ground floor one (Lord knows why). Is she going to be the holder of the First Crombie To Piss Themselves award?

'Pyke! I need a wee!'

'NO MUST CLEAN BATH OR BATHROOM WON'T BE CLEAN BATHROOM MUST BE PERFECT'

'Can you not see I am trying to clean the bath.'

Pyke finally backs down and Catriona manages not to widdle herself. Pyke retreats to the main bedroom to relax with some electric bass (I'd also like to mention that for some reason Pyke almost exclusively plays country music). Jack, who hasn't touched a single instrument since moving in, ironically enough, tips Pyke a hefty fifty simoleons. That's pretty generous!

He then moves into the living room where Nooreen is playing piano. He tips her twenty-five simoleons. You'd better hope she doesn't find how much you paid Pyke, Jack, she'll get jealous!

But it's becoming abundantly clear he was only building her up so he could take sadistic pleasure in koncking her down again. Jack's last act before heading off to work is to turn on the stereo. What an asshole!

Anyway, I think it's time we used that car! I take a quick look at our sims' mood ratings and it looks like both Catriona and Nooreen are best suited for a night out. Jack's at work, and Pyke's just about to go to bed.

I'm not entirely sure what Nooreen's talking about, but that's not important! Catriona grabs the steering wheel and...

GO!- Wait, what the hell's going on?

There we go! Have a good night out, ladies! Where should we take them?

With a name like that, they simply had to go here.

Alright! We're here! The first thing Catriona and Nooreen do upon entering is...

... critique the lights above the bar. This is a bad omen.

Nooreen sits down and orders a drink. Ah, some normality at last! Catriona i-

Catriona, you don't just go behind the bar and start juggling their tumblers. I'm not sure there's any specific rule against it... but it's just not done, 'kay?

I guess the barkeep approves.

Nooreen, watch out! Creepy woman six o' clock! VERY six o'clock!

'Your hair smells nice.' *SNORT*

'Try some of this... it's REAL GOOD.'

Run awaaaay!

Nooreen's admirer gets uncomfortably intimate whilst HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GIANT ON THE DANCEFLOOR.

... well, actually it's just someone in the extreme foreground descending a flight of stairs. But it startled me when I first saw it.

'Hur hur hur, it's a tumbling tumbler, hur hur hur.'

Nooreen escapes the claws of her stalker and sits on another barstool. Then she quite calmly started talking to the wall. I wasn't expecting a ladies' night out to progress quite in this fashion.

Catriona finally gives the juggling a rest some two hours after she started.

'If it rained tumblers I would be the happiest Catriona there ever was!'

'Hey, Noo-na! Where are you going?!'

'There is something I must do.'

Nooreen has just stolen the cap-wearing man's dinner. I'm quite serious. She was talking to Catriona downstairs when she suddenly got up, walked upstairs, and in full view of everyone, calmly took his plate and walked away.

I think the bewildered expression on his face is shared by all of us. At least Catriona hasn't gone mad-