Day Five

Pyke and Catriona are the first housemates up. Pyke gives Catriona a cheery wave.



Catriona is unsure how to respond.



Today is the day that Rupert leaves the Crombies to make his own way in the world. Time I set that particular ball in motion. Since Catriona's just standing there, I get her to do the honours.



'Hello, is this the place you call to give up your pet for adoption?'

'It sure is!'

'Wow, that's fantastic, giving up beloved family pets is so fun!'

'We make sure to put the 'fun' into 'adoption'.'

'Adopfuntion?'

'Exactly. We'll be right there.'

'Ciao!'



We can only shed a tear and reflect that this will probably be the last time Catriona gets to unload several thousand volts into Rupert's tiny feline frame.



Nooreen is awake. She studiously ignores the pet adoption servicewoman who's randomly entered her room.

Oh, and did you know Nooreen's stare can scratch diamonds?



So goodbye yellow brick road,
Where the dogs of society howl,
You can't plant me in your penthouse,
I'm going back to my plough.

GOODBYE RUPERT!



I'm becoming less sure they're really the adoption service. I think Rupert might be being arrested.



Oh, don't be like that! You're making me feel guilty.



Nooreen pushes through her grief by failing to play electric bass.



I feel a twinge of regret as Catriona races out of the house, not even caring that she has virtually no clothes on, to give a teary final farewell to dear old Rupert who looks back at her forlornly through the car window.

'I'll hide a file in your Whiskas!'



The recreation room has its first visitor! Hooray! I was beginning to wonder if the Crombies had somehow been robbed of any kind of curiosity.



Pyke heads straight for the bubble blower. Wow, it really is just like a gigantic bong. She gives the blower a good few puffs...



... and then giggles, chuckles, and guffaws for no obvious reason. Because bubbles are hilarious, I suppose. The blower even has that horrible gurgling sound that bongs make.



Catriona tips Nooreen's random tuneless twanging with five simoleons before contributing some noise of her own.



'This is one for all my fans out there! I'd just like to thank my mum, and my manager, and my manager's mum, and all those kids who didn't throw tomatoes at us the first time we played live in Westport. Thank you and peace out, brothers!'



I'm goin' pizzicato, baby, YEEEEEEEAH!



Jack returns from his golf caddy job and he is positively reeking of freshly mown grass and elderly businessmen. He heads straight for bed.



Plates... plates... coming to get me! PLAAAAAAAAAAATES!



Nooreen tires of the bass and checks her tips jar. You've got to love the way they peer into the jar as if, perhaps, some invisible punter may have slipped in a simoleon or two, perhaps five? PERHAPS THE CROWN JEWELS.

Catriona is in a world of her own.



Catriona battles her way through the Dark Valley of the Barre Chord.



Heh heh heh... they're so ROUND and... and, like, TRANSPARENT. You've just gotta laugh, haven't you?



I... I don't think anyone's told him yet.



Totally not a way of getting the communal drugfest into a game for twelve-year-olds and over. Nope. Absolutely not.



Jack wakes up. His expression is priceless, I don't think he needs bubbles to get high. Look at the man, flowers probably grow wherever he treads. You look at a man with a face like that and he's so obviously an innocent. There is not a trace of guile in there anywhere.



Jack doesn't seem to feel comfortable emptying his bowels unless he is surrounded by as much garish pink as possible. I'm quite serious when I say he almost never enters the bathroom downstairs.



'Pyke?'

'Ahahahaha- ha, ha... AHAHAHHAHA!'

'Uh, what are you doing?'

'Whassit look like I'm doin' man. I'M FUCKIN' BLOWIN' BUBBLES! AHAHAHA!'

'I, uh, see, right...'

'Wanna blow some bubbles with me? Huh? This is some GOOD shit.'

'What is it?'

'It's, well... it's soap. BUT IT'S FUCKIN' GOOD SOAP.'

'I really shouldn't, my mother always said never to blow bubbles, she said-'

'FUCK YOUR MOTHER WITH A RUSTY EGG WHISK.'

'...'



'THEY SMELL LIKE FOOTBALLS.'

Much later:



'Hey man, I think you should stop, those are some pretty strong bubbles. I'm used to it, I started out on bubble wands and worked my way up. You won't be able to take it.'

'DON'T TAKE ME OFF THE BUBBLES, MAN, I NEED MY FUCKIN' BUBBLES.'



Pyke should know better than to mix alcohol and bubbles.



'ZUUUUUUUUUUUUL!'



















Nooreen prepares another scrumptious bowl of gazpacho soup. It's pretty much the only thing the sims ever cook but somehow the soup then transforms into steamed lobster or macaroni and cheese.



'ZUUUUUUUUUUUL!'



Jack's been on this thing nearly all day now. PUT IT DOWN, JACK, BUBBLES ARE NOT FUN.



Pyke carefully watches Nooreen while she's waiting for her microwave dinner to heat up. Many of the Crombies do seem to have an amazing talent for unsettling stares.



'You know what I'd love to do? Strap myself to two flimsy planks of wood and then hurl myself off a mountain. Yeah, that'd be awesome.'



BEST FRIENDS FOREVAR.

Nooreen charges up her laser eyes.



'I was thinking that if we got the train next weekend we could- what? What is it?'



'It just occurred to me that if I were to bop you over the head with my luggage, I could then chop you up into little bits and put you in the case to go bury you somewhere where no one would ever, ever find your shredded, unidentifiable remains! It would be so much more efficient than using a separate weapon, you see. Ah, me, and my crazy ideas...'



'That sounds like it could be a lot of fun, Noo-na!'



Hang on a mo...



Scott is once more trying his luck with the ladies of the house. I don't think staring at the wall for over three hours qualifies as 'unavailable' so I click yes.



Unintimidated by the swamp-like fungus encrusting the part of the bed where Catriona is lying or her strange babble about being in a world with no TV, Pyke elects to slip into bed beside Catriona instead of telling her about the phone call.



... and then she changes her mind and goes for another bed on the other side of the house. This is definitely one of Pyke's defining oddities.



Nooreen samples her latest delve into the art of fine cuisine. I'm not sure why she's holding her hand under the wooden spoon. It's as if she WANTS to catch any boiling liquid that should escape her creepy triangular maw.

DON'T YOU KNOW GAZPACHO SOUP IS SERVED COLD?!



This is a first! One of the Crombies has actually cooked a meal for more than one person! Catriona is pathetically grateful not to have to eat any more gazpacho soup, gazpacho soup on toast, gazpacho soup with croutons, or, of course, gazpacho soup with leftover gazpacho soup.

Nooreen cooked spaghetti bolognese with meatballs using only one pan. Now that's talented.



'Hey, Nooreen, I heard about your promotion to paramedic! Wow, that's a lot of responsibility!'



'Oh, absolutely, I have treated about fifteen emergency patients so far, but I figure that if I worked even 10% more efficiently then I could get that number up to at least twenty three by the end of the week. If you'll examine these flowcharts, you'll see that with dedicated research into the ergonomic balance of my own capability with what I'm required to do then I estimate I can remove a stretcher from the ambulance and unfold it in less than five seconds! Now, if you'll direct your attention to the powerpoint presentation I devised, just in case, you can...'



... but then, when you really think about it, coma patients can't STOP you from using their bodies as ping-pong tables, and they don't even know you're doing it so where's the harm? I suppose it's a little distasteful to use bedpans as rackets but needs must as the devil drives, am I right? Right? Oh.'



Nom nom nom nom nom.



Jack has blown one too many bubbles and gone a bit peculiar. A therapist looking like a cross between the child catcher and Dr Frankenstein has arrived to assist him in his recovery.



'How many fingers do you see?'

'I don't know but they're BEAUTIFUL.'



'Listen to me now, if you're going to get better you've got to use up the rest of the bubbles still in your system. Stare at the circle... stare at the circle... now listen to me: you are a monkey! A monkey!'



'YES! I AM A MONKEEEEEEEY!'



'Wow, thanks Mr Therapist. Next time someone offers me bubbles, I'll know to say NO because bubbles are bad for you.'



I think we have a new Gateway to Hell.



Catriona bursts into tears. Did I really give her that nose? Christ, now I'm in for it.



Unclean! Unclean! Shun the unclean!

Jack has no sympathy for the poor girl.



Catriona never forgets to regurgitate a river of hair before tucking herself in at night.



Jack finishes off the last of the spaghetti.

'This bowl... this bowl is not Nooreen.'

After this deliberation, he sits back and wonders what he should do now.



'IT'S OH SO WRONG BUT IT FEELS SO RIGHT.'